Meeting A. the 2nd time

I recovered my memory of that night, but it still has a blurriness to it, and is fragmented. Because of this, and because it still affecting me, I've been unable to put it into writing like I did with the other parts of my experience. So instead of it, I will add a piece of creative writing that is anchored in the truth of those two nights, when he not only mocked my spirituality while accusing me of prejudice, but proceeded to belittle and verbally attack me to the point of near collapse.

MY FAULT ENTIRELY

I feel you left me in complete darkness, and I feel I was taxed for my desperate, distressed attempts to remove a blindfold I couldn't cope with anymore.

A blindfold that had been placed out of fear.

A blindfold that made discernment unattainable.

A blindfold I had asked you repeatedly to remove.

I had empathy for your pain, but I now feel that empathy was turned against me, with it nearly costing me my life. It wasn't my empathy that was wrong, but the constant disregard for my boundaries.

I feel I was pushed beyond recognition, to then be punished for it.

Three times, you said something only to pretend you didn't when confronted with my offense or surprise. I let it go. We had just met, you are only human, you were upset. After that, everything followed the same pattern, with you consistently acting as if nothing significant had happened those two nights.

And that second night you...

You tore into me over religious prejudice, while mocking and ridiculing my spirituality.

You verbally attacked, and belittled me, even as I was visibly distressed - distressed enough to feel like my consciousness was desperately trying to escape my body.

You took issue with perceived othering only to leave me feeling like the opportunistic religious Eastern European racist; only to leave me feeling reduced to a stereotype of my culture.

You were deeply offended by perceived prejudice, leaving me to feel I was unredeemable - yet it didn't seem you had any qualms, when it came to uttering sexist nonsense in my presence.

You accused me of bias and bigotry, but I feel you failed to see your own.

I feel you played with me and my feelings like I was a toy - then discarded me like I was an object with no value, consistently failing to acknowledge and address our shared reality.

You left me to do the entirety of the intellectual and emotional labor of our interactions.

You showed me no compassion, no acknowledgment of my pain, despite it being visible I was breaking under the weight of it.

You consistently refused to hear me.

You placed your comfort over my wellbeing, over and over again.

Our interactions, and your subsequent failure to resolve and take responsibility for your injustice, for your belittling, and lack of compassion, left me feeling less intelligent than I knew myself to be; left me feeling religious when I never was; left me feeling like a stereotype of my culture; left me fragmented and dissociated; left me feeling less than you.

I feel you failed time and time again to check your privilege.

I feel I was the woman whose voice, whose words couldn't and shouldn't be taken seriously.

All I've heard from your direction was the echo of my pain-ridden words; the echo of all my fears hitting me at once. Again and again.

I was the irrational, crazy woman. The unjustifiably angry woman.

I'm sure you are different with the women you value, but for me it feels you couldn't do better than to be just another man.

You are right. I was the one in the wrong.