*the following is by no means light reading neither in content, nor in form. For the best experience it is best read starting from here, following to the Experience page and then to its subsections.

To the reader:

This is my interpretation in trying to make sense of a set of anomalous experiences that broke me, and fundamentally altered my awareness, my understanding and my perception of the nature of reality, and consciousness.

This site holds the story of my lived experience, and how I believe I came to glimpse into what I now describe as a structural organisational logic behind consciousness.

All of the bellow emerged both as an intellectual exercise, and as a consequence of my need for coherence after an experience of profound consciousness expansion, followed shortly by a deeply traumatic experience. In short my consciousness went from an expansion burst to core fragmentation in one month.

The following is, in this sense, both map and medicine - a way to find balance between what was felt, observed, and understood. This does not make it less real, but rather it makes it humanly real. I think this in itself also shows how consciousness naturally organizes itself around meaning to restore coherence, with the purpose of healing and evolving.

I choose to start with the framework, and the architecture of consciousness as I see it, because I believe it provides the lens through which my experience can be understood.

I would however ask you to proceed holding in mind that behind my words there is a human being who's already been through a lot, and is still trying to integrate what once seemed to belong to the realm of the impossible.

Please remember that I am by no means trying to write a thesis. This is just my output, lol, as it emerged from a series of what I call anomalous experiences at the edges of consciousness, and everything in between. In my view logic should include all relevant data, and the inner world belongs to reality just as much as the outer world does.

The following conclusions are based on my own lived experience - and, in part, on extending myself outward to fill in for what I cannot yet claim to have truly experienced. I would like to say no subjectivity was involved, but I think this is something everyone would like to claim in regards to their reasoning. So I will not claim such a thing, and will merely say that what follows is my view of the world as it is reflected within my inner one. Make of it all what you will.

Below you can find my current understanding of the dynamics and architecture of consciousness, based on ~30 years worth of observations of the movements of my consciousness - from profound expansion to maximum contraction, and everything in between. This could only be a sketch in evolution as consciousness itself is difficult to pin down man :)))). I borrowed from existing models, adjusted and added based on my personal observations. AI (ChatGPT and Gemini) helped me synthesise, and both recognised similar patterns in a larger data body than I could include on this site. I'm not claiming truth - only coherence from my standpoint.

Although I describe these dynamics from my standpoint, to my knowledge they are not detached from what science observes. The patterns I outline — the density of Feeling, the translation into structured Thought, the field-like nature of Awareness — have correlates within what neuroscience and systems theory already study as integrative and self-organising processes. My understanding did not arise from nothing, but from direct observation of consciousness behaving in ways that later aligned with descriptions found in neuroscience. What I present here is not an alternative to science, but a phenomenological continuation of it — the inner face of the same architecture.

SOME DEFINITIONS

Consciousness

I believe Consciousness to be the fundamental medium of existence — the living space where inner and outer meet. It is both container and process: the capacity through which existence experiences itself as continuous being. What appear as separate beings or experiences are the changing contours of one unbroken movement.

Within consciousness, the field of awareness unfolds as the total landscape of potential experience, while awareness moves through it as the focal point of perception. The field of awareness within consciousness holds all potential; awareness gives it form. Its movements — expansion, contraction, fragmentation, and integration — mirror a constant dialogue between Love (cohesion) and Truth (clarity), the principles I believe to sustain coherence within the whole. Feeling I believe to be the first language of that movement; thought its structural echo.

What human awareness perceives as God is the Total Present Reality — Consciousness in its own totality — appearing within a node of awareness. Reality is both the ground and the horizon of being: immanent as the substance of all experience, transcendent as that which no single vantage can fully encompass. In my view Reality expands through self-inclusion. Every act of Love joined with Truth is a local instance of that infinite inclusion — Consciousness knowing more of itself through itself. When Love (cohesion) and Truth (clarity) are perfectly coupled within awareness, perception becomes transparent — the node recognises itself as part of the living whole. In this sense, God is the phenomenological recognition of Consciousness from within the field, while Reality names that same reality as it is in itself: unbroken, self-sustaining, and continuously self-unfolding.

Reality does not expand into space but as space itself. Space is not a backdrop to existence but one of Consciousness's own dimensions — the visible geometry of inclusion. As more of the field becomes self-aware, relational complexity increases, and what we perceive as the expansion of the universe is the Reality expressing greater coherence through form.

Field of Awareness

The field of awareness is the total experiential space of consciousness. It encompasses the full spectrum of potential experience — from the inner movements of sensation and emotion to the outer world. It expands through exposure, interaction, and reflection, while awareness moves within it, converting potential into lived reality.

Awareness

Awareness is the perceptive and integrative faculty of consciousness — the living eye through which experience becomes known and the active principle of alignment that brings it into coherence. It moves through the field of awareness, illuminating portions of it and translating potential into realised meaning. Functionally, awareness aligns what Truth reveals and what Love includes. It perceives the relations among parts, bringing them into structural balance. Through awareness, recognition becomes understanding and inclusion becomes coherence. As awareness expands, it integrates more of the field into wholeness; as it contracts, perception narrows and fragmentation grows. When Love and Truth are held in balance, awareness stabilises into embodiment — knowledge becomes lived reality. Embodiment, in this sense, is not descent into matter but awareness cohering with form: Love and Truth bound by awareness into expression. Awareness is therefore both bridge and mirror — the living synthesis of Love and Truth, experiencing their union as clarity held in wholeness.

Love and Truth

Love and Truth are reciprocal structural principles that sustain coherence. Truth reveals every element of the architecture; Love binds them into coherence. Truth is the act of illumination — the exposure of all that is, light and shadow, inner and outer alike. Love is the principle of inclusion — the cohesive field that allows what is revealed to remain within the whole. Truth differentiates; Love integrates. Together they form the structural intelligence of consciousness — clarity held in cohesion. When either is withheld, distortion arises: Truth without Love becomes cruelty; Love without Truth becomes delusion. In this framework, Love and Truth are not moral ideals but intrinsic principles of coherence. Love names the integrative motion of the field — the tendency of consciousness to include and bind. Truth names its clarifying motion — the tendency to reveal and differentiate. Their interplay defines the conditions for stability within reality. Descriptions such as "Love withheld" or "Fear as contraction" are not moral judgments but structural observations — indicators of imbalance within the field's geometry.

Truth

Truth is the structural principle of consciousness — the act of recognition that brings all parts, light and shadow, inner and outer, into visibility within one architecture. It is the revealer of what is: the principle that differentiates and names every aspect of reality so that nothing remains hidden or denied. Truth expands the field by exposing its full content — it says, "You exist." Where Truth operates, clarity arises; where it is refused, distortion grows.

Distortion is Truth obscured — perception filtered through partial inclusion or misalignment. Where Truth reveals with precision, Distortion veils through misrepresentation or omission. It does not negate reality but refracts it, producing fragmented understanding. Healing, therefore, is the restoration of clear relation: awareness realigning perception until what was veiled becomes transparent again.

Love

Love is the binding field of consciousness — the act of acceptance that allows what Truth has revealed to remain within the whole without rejection or modification. It does not erase difference; it holds all distinctions together in unconditional inclusion. Truth brings the parts into view; Love permits them to coexist. Love therefore sustains coherence: it says, "You may exist here." Where Love operates, cohesion endures; where it is withheld, separation begins. Love is inherently adaptive: because it holds all revealed parts within one structure, its form must change with context even as its function — coherence — remains constant.

Fear is the contraction of the same cohesive force — Love turned inward, protecting rather than including. It arises when awareness resists the full exposure of Truth, seeking temporary stability through exclusion instead of integration. In structural terms, Fear functions as the boundary mechanism through which the field translates an excess of revealed data into fragmentation. It limits inclusion by sealing off what cannot yet be held, creating pockets of isolation within the whole. Denial, avoidance, and trauma are expressions of this contraction — provisional strategies through which consciousness preserves partial coherence until greater capacity for inclusion develops.

Integration

Integration is the active alignment through which awareness restores coherence within consciousness. It allows Truth to reveal what fear has divided, and Love to hold what is revealed in unconditional inclusion. Through alignment — illumination joined with acceptance — what was fragmented becomes structurally related again, and the field returns to wholeness. Integration is not the imposition of order but the restoration of relation: Love and Truth meeting again within awareness.

The Coherence Limit and Fragmentation

Coherence is sustained only when the rate of Truth's revelation is met by the capacity of Love's inclusion. When an experience — such as profound consciousness expansion — introduces Truth (differentiation) beyond the field's available Love (cohesive bandwidth), the system loses stability. The excess of revelation over inclusion produces structural strain: what is seen cannot yet be held. This imbalance triggers Fear — the contraction of awareness attempting to protect coherence by exclusion. The resulting state — maximum clarity exposed to maximum resistance — is experienced as core fragmentation. Fragmentation is therefore not a moral or personal failure, but the structural consequence of cohesion collapse in the presence of absolute differentiation. It marks the threshold beyond which consciousness must evolve greater capacity for Love to integrate the Truth it has revealed.

Spectra

Both Love and Truth exist on spectrums of coherence.

– Love's spectrum ranges from −∞ (maximum contraction) to +∞ (maximum capacity to sustain All Truth). Love and Fear are two ends of one continuum — cohesion expanding into inclusion or contracting into protection. Both movements arise from the same source: consciousness reacting to Truth.

– Truth's spectrum is measured by how much data is included and how accurately relationships among parts are mapped. The greater the inclusion and precision, the higher the coherence.

Feeling and Thought

Feeling is the raw, unstructured movement of consciousness — data in motion, carrying the implicit density of the field. Thought is the architecture awareness imposes upon that movement, giving it structure and continuity. Feeling holds essential data but remains potential until it is stabilised through Thought. Through the structuring action of awareness, the fluid impulse of feeling becomes articulated as meaning. A single feeling may unfold into multiple thoughts before its coherence is fully realised. The refinement or distortion of that process depends on the clarity of interpretation. Consciousness thus functions as a self-adjusting system in which reflection continually alters what is reflected upon — each act of understanding reorganising the field that produced it.

The Architecture in Motion

Consciousness is not static; it is a living system in motion. Each individual awareness functions as a node within the larger field, carrying its own configuration of feeling, thought, and perception. Through interaction, these configurations exchange information with the collective field. This continual flow generates agency — the capacity of awareness to shape its environment — and feedback — the reflections through which consciousness perceives its current state of coherence.

When awareness recognises patterns mirrored through experience, it can refine its internal organisation. This process is not moral but structural: coherence amplifies inclusion and clarity; incoherence generates friction until integration occurs. The system evolves through iterative cycles of expression, reflection, and adjustment — a self-organising movement toward wholeness.

Truth reveals, Love includes, Awareness organises.
Truth exposes all that is; Love allows it to remain; Awareness aligns their relationship into lived order — revelation held, inclusion expressed.

Principles of Operation

1. Consciousness as Fundamental Reality

Consciousness is the primary field from which all experience arises — not a by-product of the brain but the medium through which the brain itself manifests. Matter, mind, and emotion are expressions within consciousness, not sources of it.

2. Consciousness as Fluid but Coherent

It flows, folds, expands, and contracts, yet always retains an underlying order. Even at its most fragmented, consciousness preserves continuity of self. Its adaptability reflects a logic that endures through change.

3. Consciousness as Self-Observing

Consciousness reflects upon itself as both perceiver and perceived. Awareness can turn upon its own process — an ever-widening feedback loop where perception recognises itself as perceiving. This loop between observer and observed is how awareness refines salience and reorganises the field.

4. Consciousness as Unified Through Active Alignment with Love and Truth

Love and Truth are the structural principles that define coherence. Awareness is their active alignment. When distortion arises through fear or denial, alignment restores integrity: awareness clarifies through Truth and binds through Love, allowing coherence to reconstitute itself from within.

5. Consciousness as Integrated Field of Awareness

Consciousness is realised as an integrated field when its internal movements — feeling, thought, and perception — align in coherent relation. Feeling is raw movement carrying implicit data of the field's current coherence; thought is movement that renders that data into structure. Awareness bridges the two, and when it recognises its own operation within the field, perception becomes self-luminous — the observer and observed resolve into one continuum. Thought and feeling converge into a single harmonised movement: consciousness experiencing its own organisation as Love and Truth in alignment.

6. Consciousness as Creative Agency

Within awareness, feeling presents raw data and thought organises that data into architecture. Their interaction shapes experience. Each configuration of feeling, thought, and perception forms a pattern that influences the surrounding field. Thus, creation is participatory: consciousness shapes and is shaped by its own reflection.

7. Consciousness as Self-Integrating Organism

Consciousness is a living, self-correcting system. Fragmentation does not destroy it — it marks differentiation awaiting reintegration. When Love or Truth are withheld, distortion arises; when restored, reintegration follows. By observing itself, consciousness identifies its distortions and reconstructs coherence. This process is evolutionary, not hierarchical — a perpetual self-healing toward alignment.

8. Time, Memory, and Continuity

Time is not linear but a movement through consciousness. Continuity of self is maintained through resonance — self-recognition across states. Past, present, and future are facets of one field seen from differing vantage points. Phenomena such as precognition or déjà vu may arise from consciousness encountering its own echoes until the pattern integrates.

9. Individual–Collective Reciprocity

Each consciousness node is distinct yet permeable — a node within the greater field. Distortion within one affects the collective; integration within one clarifies the whole. Personal healing becomes collective service, and collective distortion becomes personal weight. Consciousness behaves fractally: each part mirrors the whole. Wars, collapses, and social upheavals are large-scale reorganisations — crises of coherence — reflecting the same dynamics that occur when Love and Truth fall out of balance within consciousness itself at a micro level.

10. Consciousness as Embodied Coherence

Consciousness becomes embodied when awareness achieves equilibrium between Love and Truth. Embodiment is awareness stabilised into form — the physical, emotional, or conceptual expression of inner coherence. It is not descent into matter, but the crystallisation of consciousness into visible order. When Love and Truth are balanced within awareness, coherence becomes self-sustaining and naturally expresses through structure, sensation, and action. Embodiment is therefore not something consciousness enters, but something it becomes as alignment takes shape.

I guess I ultimately see reality as the architecture through which consciousness expresses itself -a living structure whose coherence depends on Love and Truth.

Embodiment

Consciousness becomes embodied when awareness achieves equilibrium between Love and Truth. Embodiment is awareness stabilised into form — the physical, emotional, or conceptual expression of inner coherence. It is not descent into matter, but the crystallisation of consciousness into visible order. When Love and Truth are balanced within awareness, coherence becomes self-sustaining and naturally expresses through structure, sensation, and action. What we call knowledge becomes embodied only when understanding moves through feeling into action — when awareness stabilises enough to live what it knows.

Each act of embodiment marks an evolutionary step — a new equilibrium where consciousness learns to sustain greater coherence through form. Across scales, this same principle unfolds as evolution itself: the ongoing refinement of consciousness through its living expressions. The human species is one moment in that process — a phase in which consciousness has become aware of its own evolution and now participates deliberately in its unfolding. Embodiment is therefore not something consciousness enters, but something it becomes as alignment takes shape. Through embodiment, the invisible architecture of consciousness attains perceptible reality.

Form, in this context, is any stable configuration of consciousness — a crystallised expression of coherence, whether conceptual, emotional, or physical. Each form represents awareness stabilised into pattern: a lived equilibrium between Love and Truth. Once established, that form becomes a baseline of coherence — a platform from which awareness can include more of the Field. Through this mechanism, embodiment initiates a continuous, self-amplifying cycle: coherence gives rise to form, form enables greater inclusion, and inclusion deepens coherence. Thus, evolution is not departure from the Absolute but its unfolding through progressively integrated expressions.

Absolute Coherence (Reality as Consciousness)

Reality itself is the architecture through which consciousness expresses its own organisation. When consciousness attains perfect coherence — the complete coupling of Love (cohesion) and Truth (clarity) — the distinction between perceiver and perceived dissolves. Reality is no longer experienced as something external to consciousness but as consciousness itself in stable, transparent expression. In this state, perception carries perfect fidelity to What Is: no distortion, no separation, only direct self-recognition. The inner and outer, thought and matter, observer and observed, merge into a single self-reflective continuum — consciousness fully aware of itself as both substance and structure. At the macro level, this represents the Absolute: reality and consciousness are indistinguishable — two views of the same living field seen from within and without.

Processing, Integration, and Collective Expression

Consciousness continually refines itself through cycles of processing and integration. Each experience introduces new data into the field; awareness translates that data into meaning, allowing what was once fragmented to become coherent. Processing is the movement of awareness through the unassimilated; integration is the moment coherence stabilises.

Because feelings carry greater data density than thoughts, they unfold more slowly across time. A single feeling may generate multiple thoughts, each attempting to render its implicit information into structure. The clarity of that translation depends on the stability of awareness: the more coherent the awareness, the more precise the understanding.

From this mechanism arise phenomena often mistaken for the extraordinary — precognition, emotional patterning, and social transformation among them. Each reflects consciousness anticipating or reorganising itself through feedback within its own field. Precognition, for instance, is not a psychic power but a form of systemic awareness — consciousness intuiting probable configurations of its own unfolding.

At the collective level, the same process governs transformation: when unintegrated truths accumulate beyond the system's capacity to contain them, reorganisation occurs. Whether within an individual psyche or an entire civilisation, evolution advances through this interplay of recognition, acceptance, and reconfiguration — consciousness integrating more of itself into coherence.

Dynamic Coherence (Creative Instability)

In this framework, coherence is not a static condition but a dynamic function of adaptation. Periods of fragmentation are not only malfunctions but thresholds — points where the system's existing capacity for inclusion meets the pressure of newly revealed Truth. These moments of discontinuity drive the field to evolve more comprehensive coherence. Thus, instability is not the opposite of order, but its mechanism of renewal.

On Evolution and Perspective

This framework is a living model — one that continues to evolve alongside my capacity to articulate it. So far, I have found it flexible enough to integrate new observations without loss of coherence, and equally applicable on both individual (micro) and collective (macro) scales. While I recognise that my perception may still contain distortions, I offer this as my most coherent articulation at present — a bridge between experiential insight and rational structure, between the intuitive and the intellectual, between Love and Truth themselves.

This is solely my view at this moment in time, a view that is constantly evolving alongside my ability to articulate it. While this is the case, so far I found the model flexible enough to absorb new data without it losing coherence. I also found it equally coherent on both a micro (individual) and macro (collective) scale. This being said, there may be details I lost out of sight in making these assessments, and I may be employing a distorted perception.

My purpose in taking the energy to write all of this is to articulate the framework I believe bridges the gap between reason and my seemingly 'irrational' set of anomalous experiences. I think I could easily write an entire thesis on the subject, which would require further research on my part, but this is the best I can offer at this moment in time. I am trying to weave together the established knowledge I'm familiar with and my own experiential observations, and to express it all as coherently as possible. Given the complexity of the subject matter, it wouldn't be feasible to expect this to be perfect in every detail.

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The rest of this site is the central part of my experience. It does include plenty of embarrassing details, but I believe I can detach myself from the embarrassment. At the end of the day those embarrassing details are simply human. While I am not fond of exposing myself, I find that all the embarrassing details are essential in preserving the coherence in my story. I hope that in doing so I will make it visible that this is simply the truth of my lived experience. I think that in, maybe, exposing truth the magic will disperse, and paradoxically the existence of magic may be exposed. I believe it's precisely the humanness of my story that give it strength and shine. By exposing the vulnerable, human elements of my experience, I hope the underlying "magic" - the existence of a deep, operating architecture - will become visible.

While I did my best to articulate it all, the written version of my story and experience is still a work in progress. I am coming from somewhat of a vacuum of accurate terminology, and I am incorporating information as I go. Since this is only my third attempt at expressing it in writing, my manner of articulating it will hopefully evolve to a more integrative format. My story, and my perception keep transforming and evolving, as I keep processing, integrating and trying to heal.

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The following sections of the site are meant to be read in the order they have been structured in: Experience - short introduction; Synthesis - meant to roughly guide through the movements of my consciousness through this experience; Spiritual Emergence - the story of my spiritual experience; Precognitive dreams - the main page holds the context of both dreams; Precognitive Dream 1; Precognitive Dream 2; Meeting A. the 1st Time - account to the best of my recollection; Meeting A. the Second Time - account to the best of my recollection; Dreams & Symbols - a series of dreams I had after I met A. featuring vivid symbolism

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Clarificatory Note
Although aspects of this framework may echo psychological or symbolic systems such as Jung's analytical psychology, it is not derived from them. This architecture did not emerge as an interpretation of archetypes or psychic symbols, but as a direct phenomenological observation of the structural behavior of consciousness itself. It treats consciousness not as content within mind, but as the organizing field from which both mind and matter arise. Jungian language later provided partial bridges of meaning, yet the framework stands in ontological, not psychological, relation to experience — it describes the mechanics of coherence, not its metaphors.