Meeting A. the First Time

S. had planned for us to go to a BDSM club. She had heard me talk about BDSM before, and 50 Shades of Gray was all the hype, so she liked the idea of us doing that together. It was a double celebration - both a parting away gift for me, and her birthday. 

It was only the second time I would enter one, with the first being only a brief visit. Even if I had had an interest in BDSM ever since my teens I hadn't really experimented with it. My life didn't unfold in a way where such experiences and opportunities presented themselves to me. 

I had no plans of meeting anyone there that night, let alone hooking up. None whatsoever. It wasn't really my jam. I had never engaged in anything more than shallow, and casual conversations with guys in clubs. I had however just opened up to the idea of shared souls, and I remember how that whole night I kept thinking how cool it would be to share that experience with the man who shares my soul if there was such a thing. I imagined we would have to be into the same kind of experiences. 

The friend I was with that night, S., took a liking to a guy in the club. I encouraged her to strike a conversation with him, which she ended up doing eventually. The guy she liked was accompanied by a friend of his, A.. Finding himself pushed aside by his friend in favor of S., A. started chatting me up. We even danced a little, and made some small talk. He said he liked my dancing skills, probably trying to flirt. I wasn't the right person however, because I had this thing regarding men in clubs, dismissing any who hit on me in a club. Actually this was true for any man I met for the first time. My pattern was falling in love, but after a long time of sustained friendship.  He seemed nice, but had it not been for the context I wouldn't have been dancing with him.  

I think we ended up going outside to smoke. I think A. said something, and I remember thinking he was funny. All four of us engaged in casual conversation, feeling rather amused. I don't recall how this ended up being suggested, or who suggested it, but at one point they invited us to go to home with them. I had personally never done something like that before - to go home with strange men. That night however, I was impartial. Being fresh after my spiritual experience, I was feeling high as a kite on Love. I felt untouchable, and according to my theory no harm could come to me in that heightened state. 

Because I knew S. liked the guy, I told her it was up to her, and that if she wanted us to go with them, I was there. She said she didn't know, pointing out that we had just met them. High as a kite on Love me simply said I was ready to kick their assess, if they tried anything funky. This amused A. and he asked for a high five, which I too found an amusing thing to engage in. As this was happening, their Uber had already arrived, and we had to make a snap decision. We ended up getting in the Uber with them. 

On our way there we made some small talk. I learnt what A. and M. did for a living. Someone said something about Marcus Aurelius, to which S. made a statement about him saying he was an orator. I smiled, and told S. he wasn't known for being an orator. A. also interjected.

We reached A.'s home. He led us to what struck me like a lounge room of sorts, with three white or beige sofas and a coffee table. The room was lit by several candles on the coffee table. I think M. had rushed and lit the candles before we entered the room, but I'm not quite sure of the sequence of events. 

We sat in pairs on two of the sofas. S. and M. on the sofa next to the door, and me and A. on the sofa facing them. I wasn't necessarily wanting to sit next to A., but since S. took a liking to M. it felt the most obvious arrangement. 

A. asked us if we wanted something to drink. I don't remember who suggested it, but A. ended up opening a bottle of wine. The wine was fine, but I don't really drink, so I also asked for water. I remember A. opening the bottles in front of us, a gesture I appreciated. I remember I thought the gesture made him look beautiful. I recognized myself in that kind of gesture, and for a moment I saw myself reflected.

Right at the start of the night, S. told A. and M. to leave the room for a little while. I think A. thought she was joking, but she really wasn't, lol. She needed to talk to me in private, so she told them to get out of the room for a little while. A. was visibly annoyed, but possibly gestured to M., and they both went outside of the room. 

S. needed to tell me about her plans. She wanted to pretend that night. She wanted to forget the context of her life. Nothing big, but she simply felt like she wanted a break from her reality. She wanted to assume a different persona. She needed to tell me this, as she needed my support. It seemed completely harmless. It wasn't what I wanted for myself, but if it was what she wanted for herself... Looking back, her specifically saying she wanted a break from her reality is quite ironic in the context of what unfolded.

A. and M. returned. We made some small talk, and we lit up, and split a joint. We had some wine, and everything seemed nice. 

I don't remember at what point bits of memories from the dream I had at 17 started popping into my awareness. I remember that it began with a feeling of darkness I couldn't quite understand. This darkness slowly turned into fragmented memories. Initially all I remembered was S. accusing M. of sexual assault. When S. and M. started kissing, and making out, I started staring at them, watching their every move. 

A. kept trying to engage me in conversation, but I wasn't that interested at first. I was literally ignoring him trying to make sure nothing weird was happening between S. and M.. I realised A. would probably think I was weird, but I didn't really care. My priority was to make sure no S.A. was going to happen. 

A. seemed to think I was avoiding him, as I wasn't even looking in his direction. It was this when he possibly asked me if I was shy. I don't think I answered. This prompted him to try harder, and maybe asked me why wasn't I looking at him. I then said 'Because it's dangerous' with a mischievous smile. You would think I had remembered the part of my dream that included him. That wasn't the case. There was this constant sense of darkness I was feeling, but in that moment I was just being a little playful. I was at the same time avoiding to say why I wasn't looking at him. I didn't feel I could explain why I was staring at S. and M., without seeming even weirder.

I think he tried to engage me in a conversation. I am not entirely sure how we ended up on this subject, but I believe one of the first subjects we connected about was around stereotypes. I only vaguely recall the interaction, but that was the moment A. became interesting to me. 

As me and A. were talking, my eyes still kept going back to S. and M.. My head was facing him, but my eyes were turned to them. This prompted A. to ask me if I had a fetish for voyeurism. I became aware that despite my best efforts, I was being quite obvious. Even so, I still did my best to not lose track of what was happening with S. and M..

At one point A. asked me something, or maybe even noticed something and labelled it as coincidence. In reply to that I said 'There is no such thing as a coincidence', which prompted him to ask me if I really believed that. The irony is that I was only saying that as a consequence of my recently acquired worldview and understanding of the nature of reality, with no awareness for what was about to follow. I had yet to consider A. could have the same soul as mine. I hadn't yet remembered the parts of my dream where I would go back, and forth between A. sharing my soul, or being the Devil. 

We were making conversation. I remember S. started telling A. about me. It left me with the impression that she was trying to make us connect, or maybe just being a proud friend. She told him how I studied Architecture back home, and then fashion at CSM. He went 'Really?'. I owned the Architecture part, but felt to add that I didn't graduate. I also felt to correct the CSM part, as it wasn't where I graduated. The CSM came as a result of S.'s desire to take a break from her reality. I wasn't aware her break was going to include a break from my reality, and I found it amusing. I quietly corrected S. and let A. know the truth. 

At one point, A. asked me to tell him more about myself. I never knew how to answer those questions. I think I only ended up telling him I was into metaphysics, something which had A. tell me he hadn't heard that from someone in a long time. I also remember how at one point I told A. I should have been a philosopher, to which A. replied that I already am one. 

S. asked A. where was he from. This prompted me to think his obvious British accent was from a different part of the UK. I don't know if he answered the question straight away, or if he asked for clarifications, but I remember him visibly upset as he said 'India'. Seeing him upset had me place my hand on his arm, in an attempt to comfort him. He was triggered by my gesture, and accused me of trying to stop him from being violent. He wasn't having it, no matter how many times I said that wasn't what I was doing. Between his anger, and my now feeling embarrassed, I didn't know how to answer when he asked me why I did that. My feeling of embarrassment around straight-up answering his question was a consequence of the environment I grew up in.  An environment where I felt social awareness wasn't the norm. He cooled down at one point, and chose to let it go. I am however unsure if he ever believed me.

Whenever S. would take a break from her make out sessions with M., I would her if she was ok. She constantly reassured me she was fine. Because I kept asking her, she eventually got annoyed with me. Even so, whenever S. and M. would start making out, I would resume my vigilance. I tried to do so with more consideration for A.'s perception, for no other reason than that I wouldn't have known how to explain myself.

I don't remember when A. and I started making out, but I do remember feeling like my experience of it all was hazy. I felt as if I had unusual lack of self-control around him. My feelings felt overpowering. This prompted me to ask him in a playful tone 'What are you? Temptation?'. 

I suspected that the intensity of my feelings around him were a consequence of the fact that I was literally re-living a dream. While we smoked weed that night, I was at the time a daily smoker, so I became rather tolerant. I felt weed alone couldn't have intensified that sense of lack of control. It seemed plausible that it could be the weed in combination with my dream, but I felt the need to make sure. Given my awareness of the dangers of the circumstance - two men I had just met - I felt the need to consider the more threatening possibilities. I didn't want to offend him, so I started by apologising for what I was about to ask 'Did he give me any drugs without my knowledge?'. We had a brief interaction I don't quite recall. In essence he told me that no, and proceeded to tell me that aside from the weed, he also had some mdma earlier in the night.

A. kept trying to be intimate, only to end up in my refusal. I desired him, as much as he seemed to desire me, but I did not want to lose track of what was happening with S. and M.. Besides, I was unsure how to proceed with him, as at that point I had remembered the gist of my dream, including the back and forth. Even if I remembered the gist of my dream, I was still skeptical. I hadn't gotten used to the reality that I was capable of precognition. I was being cautious, especially since specific details that later on helped me anchor it in time, only emerged as the night was unfolding.

Things became rather impassioned between us. Enough for S. and M. to repeatedly tell us to go get a room. It was around this time, that I remembered the detail about how I ended up alone with A. in my dream. I remembered how in my dream I thought of my friend, and inspired by her, I, more or less jokingly told the two people facing us, to go get a room themselves, which was encouraged by A. in my dream. So, in 2015 when this part of my dream started unfolding I consciously chose not to act it. I also feel to mention that in 2015 it was the first time I thought of that friend in years. We had lost touch around 2009 I think.

I started to relax my vigilance a little when S. and M. started being intimate. I hadn't seen anything that would alert me, and felt I was in the clear. I still overlooked the situation, but not as intently. 

I then started paying more attention to A.. I remember weighing whether or not to be intimate with him. One of the reasons I refused to be intimate with A. in my dream was due to my choice of underwear. I don't know what kind of underwear I was wearing in my dream, but I assume I had made the same choice as I did in 2015. I had no plans on being intimate with anyone, so I didn't really care. Due to the memory of having refused to be intimate with him due to my choice of underwear, I consciously chose to not allow the fear to be a factor in my decision. Looking back, this choice feels a little on the cuckoo side. However, given the existential nature of my experience, I would likely choose yet again to not factor my embarrassment.   

I ended up factoring the back and forth from my dream. I was curious. What would change? I had nothing to compare against, but I was curious nonetheless. I also remember feeling lustful, realising that I wasn't giving in solely on account that he could be the Devil. This put my choice into perspective. I was refusing to be intimate with him because I worried he could be the Devil. How ridiculous. I ended up being the one instigating physical intimacy. 

I remember A. asking me to look him in the eyes. The eye contact felt too intense for me, and I was unable to sustain it. I do however recall how in trying to make eye contact, I said to myself 'I am now lost'. 

The night unfolded with what felt like many tender moments between me and A.. I remember we were kissing at one point, while S. and M. kept making all sorts of remarks about us. This had A. tell me to ignore them, because they were jealous we fell in love. A. saying this surprised me, as I wasn't expecting it so soon. Seeing my surprised reaction caused A. to pout, but I reassured him that I also fell in love. That night when I asked A. if this is how he treats all women when he meets them, A. reassured me I wasn't just another woman to him. That night A. also remarked we were very much alike. Although I don't remember when exactly, I do remember that at one point I distinctly felt I could recognise my soul in him.

I felt sleepy at one point. Since the sofa wasn't big enough, and comfortable for both of us, A. insisted I sleep on top of him. I didn't want to do this. I was feeling I was too heavy. He insisted, and despite my worries and insecurities, I relented. I fell into a light sleep almost instantly, and nearly as soon as it happened, I also started shivering. This had A. to ask M. to bring him a blanket. I remember with how much care A. tried to place the blanket on me, so I would stop shivering. Despite his effort, I woke up. I had some vague idea about what had happened, but I was surprised to hear I not only fell asleep straight away, but that I began shivering. I don't think my shivering was due to being cold. I think it was a reaction my body had to the amount of fear that circumstance triggered within me.

I remember going to the bathroom, but since I didn't know where the bathroom was A. accompanied me. When I got out of the bathroom, A. was waiting for me, and he pulled me into what I assume was his bedroom, which was right across from the bathroom. We started making out, and despite the fact that I really desired him, I kept trying to resist. It felt difficult to resist him, but I felt too overwhelmed not to. This caused us to have a brief exchange, during which A. asked me if it was because I was worried about S., and told me M. wasn't the type. That question triggered me, as I didn't know what to answer, since I felt my answer will sound insane. I lowered my gaze, and tried to rush out of the room. This prompted A. to jump in front of me, and try to stop me by placing his hand on the door frame, right in front of me. As I crouched, and left the room walking underneath A.'s hand, he asked me 'Why do you keep running from me?'. The reality of it is that while I felt it was best if I stayed in that lounge room with S. and M. that night, between my dream which I had experienced as a nightmare, and the insanity I felt my story to be, I had no idea how to share all of that, or how to act around him.

After the bathroom incident, I remember sitting in A.'s lap facing him. I remember him telling me to lean out, but I kept saying no, as I didn't want him to drop me. He kept saying he won't drop me, and that I should trust him. I eventually conceded. It felt like an exercise of trust to me. To be quite honest earlier that night, before I even considered A. could have the same soul as mine, I felt he was exactly the kind of man I imagined I could trust with my life. Such a feeling was unusual for me. Generally speaking I would say I am a rather cautious person. I had never had a feeling that would go to that extreme about anyone else before. I wasn't reading too much into these feelings. They were to me nothing, nothing but feelings that could have been generated by all sorts of misperceptions, or the result of wishful thinking. So when he told me to lean out, and I eventually did, I still found myself worrying he would end up dropping me. He didn't. This put a really big smile on my face.

The night turned to morning. S. started admiring his garden which was visible from the room's window. She kept suggesting we have a barbecue. I think A. was offended by that, and he made a remark I don't quite recall. I kindly called him out on his passive aggression. A. moved to the sofa by the window, and I asked him if he has control issues. I feel I did so in a kind and compassionate manner, as it triggered a sweet smile from him, while calmly saying something about how all of his issues seemed to surface. This prompted me to tell him he was cute, which seemed to make him feel some sort of nostalgia maybe. I didn't really understand his reaction, so I asked him if he didn't like being told he's cute. He only said that no one called him cute before, maybe only his mother.

A. was now back with me on the sofa. He was laying, and I was standing next to him. At first I kept slipping off, but then I exaggerated the expression and repetition of my behavior. This had him tell me to stop exaggerating it, so I stopped, and proceeded to feel a little embarrassed that he noticed. We started playing with each other's hand, when A. asked me to be in a relationship with him. I don't exactly remember the sequence, but I proceeded to tell him 'too much, too soon'. I felt I had a lot to process around him, and while I genuinely fell in love with him. He seemed like a sweet, kind man, but it felt like he was jumping too soon to that label. I didn't want him reading into it, so I proceeded to ask him something along the lines of what does that even mean to him.  In reply to my question of what does that even mean to him, he started listing a series of mundane, and not so mundane interactions; going shopping, making love, going on walks, making love.

A. brought us something to eat. Yogurt and raspberries I believe. As we were eating, he said he needed to get ready to visit his niece/nieces - can't quite remember if he used plural. S. was still fixed on the barbecue. A. seemed annoyed by her for a while now, and I felt he put up with her because it meant I was there. 

After we were done eating, I told S. we should leave, and I don't think she resisted my idea. Before leaving, A. asked me when he could see me again. I said I didn't know, since I had to get my stuff in order, as I was supposed to leave for my home country in two weeks. He said we had to see each other again before I left, and gave me his business card.

He called a taxi. I asked A. if he could lend me a t-shirt, as I felt my dress was inappropriate for a Sunday morning. He brought me a t-shirt, and me and S. went outside to wait for the taxi. 

As we were waiting outside, all of a sudden, S. started lashing out at me. She started calling me a slag, telling me she didn't know anything about me. We had been friends for 4 years at that point, and had spent a lot of time together. She was very erratic, and kept picking on me. I think she pulled my I.D. out of her purse looking intently at it. All my belongings, and the little money I had left were in her purse, as I hadn't brought a purse with me that night. Even if I had recovered my belongings, I still didn't have enough left for the fare without her contribution. Given her condition, I felt it was unlikely I would manage to take my belonging from her, or that she would contribute to the fare. 

It seemed like my only option was to go back, and ask A. for money for the fare. I was embarrassed to do so, but I didn't see any other option in that moment. When the taxi arrived, I asked how much the fare would be. The driver said $40. I went back, and it was M. who answered my knock on the door. A. came out of the bathroom, and was now in the hallway as well. I don't recall how, or what I said exactly, but I remember telling him I needed to ask him for money for the taxi fare. He was shocked when he heard $40, saying it was too much, and couldn't believe that. After a small back and forth where I tried to reassure him, I took the $30 he offered thinking I was going to work it out. 

In the car, on our way home, S. kept saying I was shady, and was generally awful to me. The taxi had stopped in traffic, and she jumped out of the car. She was still wearing her short, transparent and revealing dress running and loudly saying things I don't think I even registered. I reached my hand towards the taxi driver, and gave him the $30 I had, then rushed after her. I think the taxi driver was displeased with the $30, but it all happened so fast, with my mind being focused on her, that I didn't even consider an alternative. I don't think there was any in that circumstance. 

The scene must have been quite the sight for passersby. I was more clothed, but I still looked odd, while she was running, gesturing, and loudly saying all sorts of mean and ugly things I can't remember, with me running after her.

***

Without going into more detail S. did end up accusing M. of S.A., as she also filled a police report. She believed to have been drugged as she claimed to have no memory. While the night seemed to have unfolded without any significant events, her ending up making that accusation despite my best efforts to pay attention to anything that could be amiss, became a source of trauma for me. 

For years on end I found myself fearing her accusation could have a basis in reality, thinking that maybe there were parts I wasn't able to remember. It is only recently that I managed to process this, and say that while I can never speak to her inner experience that night, I can speak to what I observed. That is that my memory of the night was always on the stable side, with a few missing details. While missing details did happen, this entire decade I was always able to remember a coherent timeline that spanned the entire night. At no point during that night was I, or S. incapacitated. 

To this day she has no awareness or knowledge of the existence of the dream I had in 2003. She couldn't have been influenced by it, neither consciously, nor unconsciously.

Disclaimer: This website reflects my personal memories, perceptions, and interpretations of past events. All names and identifying details have been changed. Its purpose is healing, coherence, and self-expression - not accusation or defamation.