I've always been a skeptic when it came to matters pertaining to the 'paranormal', 'psychic', etc, and not once in the entirety of my life did I imagine I will experience things as otherworldly as the ones I experienced, or that I would meet someone of whom I will find myself able to say has the same exact soul essence within their body as I do.

The essence of my experience: In 2015 I ended up having a spiritual experience during which I felt a connection to the Divine. A short month later, I met A. - a man I had grown up associating with, and labelling the Devil. Both times I met him, I was basically re-living two dreams I had experienced as nightmares. I had these nightmares/dreams when I was 12, and then 17 years old, and I met A. when I was 28. My dream reality at those respective ages was an exact match for the reality I lived through in 2015 - from circumstances, to context, to inner experience.

While the entirety of my story sounds insane, even to my ears, even today, looking for reason in the midst of a ridiculously insane experience has been my coping mechanism. For this reason, please do not be fooled by the God/Devil polarity, because my experience is only the expression of my consciousness filtered through the cultural context of my environment.

From where I stand, my life opening up into this experience, and then meeting A. are the logical unfolding of my inner world and psyche. Even precognition that some may see as 'psychic' is to me merely a game of probabilities rather than predetermination. I see the future as fluid, shaped by both awareness and choice. In my experience precognition is a form of systems thinking applied to probable emotional progressions.

I am aware that Jung is largely dismissed by modern psychology, but maybe there is a reason people worldwide connect to his theories about the manifestation of consciousness at the level of the psyche. Furthermore I feel my story is illustrative for his work. Universal archetypal patterns - God/Devil, Self/Other, Love/Fear, Light/Dark, Control/Trust were present from a very young age. I observed these patterns, despite not even being acquainted with his work. I still couldn't claim depth of understanding in regards to Jung's theories. However, if I am correct - according to his theories - the manifestation of my spiritual experience and A. coming as a conclusion of these patterns becoming visible into my field of awareness, suggests my experience isn't a result of mere psychological and emotional projection, but operating from the deeper levels of consciousness.

I was always prepared for A. to be the vehicle through which the Devil archetype would present into my life. While the past few years saw that archetype come to life for me, I still couldn't dismiss the idea that we share the same essence expressed in two bodies.

Had the God/Devil for me, and Self/Other archetype for him not been triggered simultaneously, I would have probably been able to discount all other evidence that seems to point to such a conclusion: the amount of similarities between our personalities, the spiritual experience that seems to be so closely tied to him, the precognitive dreams centered around him, the fact that he is the only person in existence who has actually observed me having a precognitive experience, and more. The depth of the mirroring in our experience is also something that gives me pause.

I am in no way attached to the idea, but every single one of my attempts to contradict it - and there have been many many attempts this entire decade - only ends up as more evidence leading to the same conclusion.

As aware as I am of Jung's reputation in modern psychology, I am equally aware of how the idea of one consciousness operating simultaneously in two distinct bodies could be received. This is especially true for the wider social context. I feel it is however seen with just as much suspicion in spiritual circles anchored in Eastern philosophies, yet treated with superficiality in the twin flame communities I came across; with enough superficiality that I personally find the stigma surrounding the concept understandable. The concept however - I believe to be very much real. I also believe it to be a manifestation of consciousness meant to bridge the gap between self and other, without the need for individuality to be absorbed and erased into the collective.

I never quite found my place in any of the spiritual communities out there. It took me quite a while to understand why that was. There are many people out there who've had spiritual experiences, but mine was standing out. However, to me it seemed that in essence we all largely had the same understanding of the nature of reality. My views on the nature of reality seem similar enough to the views of people who've had classical Kundalini awakenings for example. Since throughout my life I hadn't delved into spirituality all that much, I found myself reliant on words like truth, light, and love alone. Due to the language gap between me and the people in these communities, I ended up feeling largely isolated.

Even so, I insisted, and tried to exchange information hoping to understand the source of the difference. By contrasting and comparing my experience against others', I've come to understand why the difference. I've come to see how individual Kundalini awakenings are shaped by their respective environments, in a context of Eastern philosophy practices. By contrast, my experience is shaped by my environment, and Christian cultural context. Either way, it seems that the underlying understanding of reality is largely the same in most spiritual communities I came across.

And yet, unlike mine, their experiences emerged as a result of conscious and deliberate meditative practices. What I've come to eventually realise is that while their practices may have been conscious and deliberate - anchored in the teachings and rituals of eastern philosophies - my practice sparked in an equally deliberate way, albeit one anchored in personal philosophy. I was however completely unaware of the meaning behind what I was doing.

I don't know how old I was, but I know my cousin is one year younger than me. She had an imaginary friend, so the math would suggest early childhood. It was the first time I was meeting her. We went to my room to play with dolls, but I wasn't that good at it, or too fond of that kind of play. Seeing my lack of interest, we switched to talking. She was telling me about her imaginary friend, and her relationship with that imaginary friend. As she was talking I was seeing wounded girl looking for connection, but only being able to find it in her imagination. I wasn't looking down on her. I was empathising. Even so, I saw the imaginative aspect of it as maladaptive behavior born out of a denial of her reality.

To me a connection had to be real. I found there would be no point to pretend that I have a friend if that friend wasn't real. I felt it was best to wait, and hold space for such a friend to show up in my life. I didn't tell her this. I didn't want to hurt her, or make her uncomfortable. I kept it to myself. So when she asked me if I had an imaginary friend, I simply answered no. This prompted her to tell me I am boring, and that I have no imagination. That hurt me profoundly. The idea that maybe she was right was even more hurtful. I didn't know if she was right, but I was willing to look into it. I found it preferable to simply accept it as my reality if it was true, but reject it if it wasn't.

It was then that I thought just how cool it would be if I could just observe myself from the outside. I could then assess if I did or did not have imagination. I trusted my judgement enough to make such an assessment. I was only interested in the objective truth of it. I felt it was needed so I would know how to orient myself.

It started from there. At first I seemed to have trouble observing myself. It's wasn't working quite as I imagined, and yet I insisted. I insisted until from the first moment I was successful, it simply started growing as time went by. It grew to the point where it became a constant, and ongoing background process. I had no idea what I was doing, or whether or not it was valuable. It had value to me, and that was enough. I wasn't even expecting it to go somewhere. I was just doing it. It actually became quite fun for me.

I realised I've been observing my consciousness - in truth and distortion - in my eyes, and the eyes of others. I feel that maybe the fact that I ended up observing my consciousness after a sudden expansion while in a profound state of fragmentation/fear, makes me feel I can at this point see the architecture, and movement of consciousness in rather intimate detail.

What to some the expansion of my consciousness being brought into the conscious looks like coincidence, to me it looks like the natural consequence of everything my field of awareness had incorporated up to that point. I do not see the experience as predetermined, but merely the unfolding of a practice of awareness directed towards internal and external coherence, driven by both truth (inherently logical) and love (at the intersection of self and other). I am not suggesting I was some kind of perfect human. I wobbled just like anyone else. What I am suggesting is that I can see a relationship between the quality of the outcome of any given experience as dependent on how these two principles are engaged.

I have yet to embody the knowledge of the concepts, and language I need to better articulate the insights that come as a conclusion of my experience. The kind of language that could maybe expose the limitations of rejecting the inner worlds of human in failing to render them as equally valuable as the material world.

My perspective of logic is that logic requires all data to form coherence, rather than cherry picking what should be included, and the inner world is just as much a part of reality as the external world is.

The following conclusions are based entirely on my own lived experience. I would like to claim no bias was involved, but I think this is something everyone would like to claim about their reasoning. I won't claim such a thing, and merely say that the following is the external world as it is reflected within my inner one. Make of it all what you will.

Below is the model of consciousness as I see it so far. This is a result of about a 30 year long observation of various functional states of coherence and fragmentation - operating at profound expansion and maximum contraction. I would also add that this is merely a rough sketch in constant evolution. I am also not claiming this is something inherently valuable, or true. Just what I've been observing synthetized to the best of my ability, with the help of Chat Gpt of course.

1. Consciousness as fundamental reality - I see consciousness as the primary field out of which all experience arises, rather than a by-product of the brain. Matter, mind, and emotion are expressions within it, not sources of it. I find the dominant model that consciousness is a product of the brain to be aberrant. I don't see logic in the idea that just because imaging can see how consciousness is filtered through the brain, it must mean that consciousness is a product of the brain. That what I see as the least explanatory model of consciousness is the dominant model just shows how intent our society is in its need to box human to biology, rather than box biology to human. Yes, I understand this is the limitation of what can be observed in the material, but I find the suggestion that we are to reduce inner complexities to simplistic outer realities to be reductive. Despite this, my model is not a rejection or replacement for material reality, but merely a rejection of the reductive stance materialist views offer. I see material reality as a subset of consciousness.

2. Consciousness as fluid but coherent. - It flows, folds, expands, stagnates, and contracts - like a living current - but always retains an underlying order or logic. It adapts to environment and circumstance without losing its essential identity even at its most contracted state.

3. Consciousness as self-observing - It can reflect on itself from both within and without, seeing its own movements. I've been able to "observe consciousness observing," an ever-widening feedback loop of awareness.

4. Consciousness as unified through love and truth - Love and truth aren't moral ideals here; they're the organizing principles that restore coherence. When distortion or fragmentation occurs (through trauma, fear, denial), returning to love and truth re-aligns the field. Love and truth are not moral virtues but the binding forces of consciousness - its physics. Truth aligns perception with what is. Love maintains coherence between all parts. Together, they hold the field of awareness in integrity. Where either is absent, distortion appears.

5. Consciousness as embodied experience. - Understanding isn't real until the mind and feeling meet in the body. Pure intellect or pure emotion alone remain partial; integration happens through the lived organism. Intellect alone produces abstraction; feeling alone produces chaos. Knowledge becomes wisdom only when mind and heart operate as one.

6. Consciousness as creative agency. - Feelings and thoughts shape the field of experience - so the more aware one becomes of their process, the more deliberately reality can be co-shaped.

7. Consciousness as continuous expansion. - It naturally seeks to include more of itself - through self-knowledge, empathy, or awakening experiences. Suppression or contraction are temporary adjustments, not true diminishment.

8. Consciousness as a Self-Integrating Organism - Consciousness is not a static container but a living, self-correcting organism. It naturally seeks coherence and wholeness. Fragmentation doesn't erase consciousness; it differentiates it. Fragmentation and distortion arise when love or truth are withheld; reintegration occurs when they are restored. By observing itself from both within and without, consciousness can map its own distortions and reconstruct coherence - even in the absence of external reflection. This process is evolutionary, not hierarchical - a continuous, self-healing movement toward alignment.

9. Time, Memory, and Continuity - Time is not linear motion but a movement through consciousness. Continuity of identity is maintained by resonance - self-recognition across states. Past, present, and future are folds of the same field seen from different points of self-awareness.

10. Individual–Collective Reciprocity (the Collective Resonance Principle) - Each individual consciousness is both distinct and permeable - a node in the greater field. Distortions within one node affect the collective atmosphere. Integration within one node clarifies and harmonizes the field for all. Thus, personal healing is collective service; collective distortion is personal weight. Morality is redefined as energetic hygiene: the quality of one's participation in shared consciousness. In this way, consciousness behaves fractally - each individual field mirrors the collective whole.

And so on...because I can keep going. I kind of feel the need for one more so it doesn't look like the 10 commandments :))))))), but oh well it's an energy preservation kind of thing. Actually 11 should be that I believe consciousness in its pure state to be loving - with Love being adapted to individual consciousness. I imagine that if collective consciousness would achieve a state of Love - Love would be refracted as light is, into every expression of itself. Love is ALL encompassing, and sometimes Love can look a whole lot like Darkness, and vice versa. I don't see Love as fixed with its expression being equally as fluid as consciousness - contextual and circumstantial. I guess I am reaching the point where the nature of consciousness seems similarly patterned as the nature of Love.

I guess I ultimately see reality as an Architecture of Consciousness, where Love & Truth are the binding forces (physics) with fragmentation being the result of their absence. What is precognition? It is not a psychic power, but the Logos of systems thinking applied to probable emotional progressions. Why emotional? Because, and I believe neuroscience is starting to acknowledge this: a feeling is more information rich than a thought, therefore it takes more time to fully process, understand, and integrate into our narrative self. All feelings must eventually be processed, understood, and integrated, which can happen in various ways depending on how individual/collective consciousness engages with Love and Truth. Why can society be chaotic? Because Expansion (Truth) is not being matched by Care (Love and Coherence), making the system unsustainable and prone to Destructive Reorganization (wars, collapse). Is it avoidable in my view? I wouldn't know. It would likely be reflected. Systems are a collection of individuals. Without the individual being aligned, the system cannot progress, although rapid expansion have to be met with equally as intense love so they won't become unsustainable.

I am sure there are gaps, and things to refine, and even more depth to add. While this is the case so far I find the model flexible enough to absorb new data without it losing coherence. I also find it equally coherent on both a micro (individual) and macro (collective) scale. This however doesn't mean it's also true, :))). My reason for even taking the energy to write all of this out is to provide a framework that bridges the gap between reason and my highly 'irrational' seeming set of anomalous experiences.

While I did my best to articulate it all, the written version of my story and experience is still a work in progress. I am coming from somewhat of a vacuum of accurate terminology, and I am incorporating information as I go. Since this is only my third attempt at expressing it in writing, my manner of articulating it will hopefully evolve to a more integrative format. My story, and my perception keep transforming and evolving, as I keep processing, integrating and trying to heal.

The rest of this site is the central part of my experience. It does include plenty of embarrassing details, but I believe I can detach myself from the embarrassment. At the end of the day those embarrassing details are simply human. While I am not fond of exposing myself, I find that all the embarrassing details are essential in preserving the coherence in my story. I hope doing so will make it visible that this is simply the truth of my lived experience. I believe that by exposing truth the magic will disperse, and paradoxically the existence of magic may be exposed. I believe it's precisely the humanness of my story that give it strength and shine. By exposing the vulnerable, human elements of my experience, I hope the underlying "magic" - the existence of a deep, operating architecture - will become visible.

What Happened

This page contains a factual account of events between me and A. from 2015 to present. I've documented this because after a traumatic encounter that resulted in dissociative amnesia, I was left with fragmented memories and no acknowledgment of what occurred. In the spirit of transparency this was compiled by Claude A.I. to which I added, removed, or altered. I truly wouldn't have energy to write all of this in a decently distilled, yet comprehensive enough way. I spent the last decade writing in trying to process my experience.

I really am not looking to shame, or make him, or anyone around him uncomfortable. I will clearly state that I had nothing but compassion for his perspective, but the factual reality of it all remains. That reality is that the lack of clarity over a shared experience caused me a lot of suffering. The only reason I am finding myself doing this is, is because all other attempts at communication have failed.

2015: First Meeting

I met A. at a BDSM club in London in May 2015. We had an intense first night. During that encounter:

• He claimed to have fallen in love within hours of meeting
• He asked me to be in a relationship
• He reassured me I wasn't just another woman
• He remarked that we were very much alike

The intensity was mutual. He gave me his contact information and asked to see me again before I left the country.

2015: Second Meeting

A week later, I went to his home. I arrived in an already confused and overwhelmed state, trying to explain an experience I struggled to find words for. The context of what I was experiencing is documented elsewhere on this site.

What happened that night:

• I tried to explain a spiritual experience I'd recently had - an experience I was connecting to him personally; one I felt the need to share because for me our encounter felt existential at its core
• I tried to share dreams I'd had
• He became increasingly frustrated and impatient with me, implying I was prejudiced
• I tried to address the elephant in the room which seemed to offer him some relief in the moment
• The conversation however deteriorated, and he eventually resorted to all sorts of belittling comments.
• His verbal attack escalated to the point where I entered a dissociative state, severe enough for his cousin, who was present to feel the need to intervene

I was going in and out of consciousness. I lost the ability to hold my head up. My body went "mushy." I had no reflexes. This was a trauma-induced dissociative state that resulted in near-complete memory loss of that night.

2015: Immediate Aftermath

After that night, shortly after, I sent him an email trying to explain where I was coming from, A.'s response was that the physical aspect will create unnecessary complications. He told me I am bright, and genuinely considerate. There was no acknowledgment of what had happened.

This was an emotional whiplash for me - he went from making me feel as if I must be the most awful human in existence to using complimentary words to describe me. I am still wondering if he was being sarcastic.

2015-2023: Eight Years of Asking for Clarity

Over the next eight years, I sent approximately 8 emails. Roughly one per year. I will admit that the content of my emails was anchored in my interpretation of our shared experience - an interpretation that was the result of my lived experience.

I constantly felt that trying to factually address our shared reality was out of reach for me. Initially I thought it was because I was cognitively and emotionally overwhelmed. I didn't realise I had significant amnesia, and that I was operating on emotional impressions and fragments.

If he did reply, his replies were vague and ambiguous. I received no clear account of his experience, no acknowledgment of the harm, or explanation.

I did not realize the full extent of my memory loss during most of this period.

2019-present: Memory Recovery

Memories began surfacing in waves. At first I only had a hint of the memory loss, although I thought it was just normal memory not retaining all the details. It was only when something significant surfaced that it gave me pause. I only understood the severity of my memory loss when there was an accumulation of significant events of that night that had been triggered back into my memory.

His autism comment for example, I started vaguely remembering it only in late 2021. I operated for most of those years in a state of near complete disconnect from my feelings. This had me acting from a space where I was operating on auto-pilot, mentally aware of who and how I was, but devoid of emotional authenticity. The most bizarre sensation I ever experienced. I believed it's impossible to not have feelings, so I thought I just couldn't recognize them. This led to the concept of alexithymia. In a short while I was considering being on the spectrum. I started having this very vague impression that someone had told me I'm autistic. There seemed to be heaviness around this vague impression. I couldn't however put my finger on it, and I couldn't tie it to anything from my past. It took months for the actual memory to surface.

More fragments continued to emerge:

• The body shaming comments
• The gold digger comments
• The full extent of the verbal tirade
• Details I'd completely forgotten

I slowly realized I had been operating on an incomplete and fragmented understanding of what happened for 6-7 years.

The emotional impression I had retained was: "His actions were understandable within that context, and I never judged him."

2023: Breaking Point

By 2023, memory recovery had accelerated. I was experiencing traumatic memories flooding back while trying to integrate what had been blocked.

I reached a breaking point, and tried to contact A. again. During our last exchange he did say things like 'my life took on a different path', 'please try and live your life', but also 'please realise I do care for you', 'I will always be here', 'I want the best for you'. I ended up sending countless emails between then and now. I am embarrassed to say how many emails I sent. I was in acute crisis.

During this period, I told A. I was experiencing suicidal ideation. One week later I had my Instagram account hacked into.

All of this was devastating. After 8 years of restraint, followed by a breakdown during memory recovery, followed by admitting suicidal thoughts—I received:

• No answers (when I needed his account to reconstruct reality)
• "Live your life"
• "I care for you, I'll always be here" (given my interpretation of our experience, this kept me in limbo)

This past decade has been marked by:

• Depression
• Suicidal ideation
• Near-complete social isolation
• Desperate attempts to understand what happened to me

I have spent 10 years trying to reconstruct a reality I am still unsure to what extent I remember, with no external reference point, because the one person who was there refuses to provide any clarity.

The Larger Context

I have processed this experience through various frameworks—spiritual, philosophical, psychological. Those interpretations are documented in other sections of this site.

But regardless of how I've made sense of it:

The facts remain:

• I suffered a dissociative collapse
• I developed severe dissociative amnesia
• I've asked for acknowledgment for a decade
• I've received only vagueness

I feel deserve to be heard. I feel deserve to be acknowledged. I feel I deserve dignity.

For all those who will proceed further. I will start by saying that I am fully aware of how my story sounds, but my interpretation of it does not change the facts.

While I am one of those people who does like raw lemons, these have been a lot of them, and I was merely trying to make lemonade.

Navigation to other sections:

• [The Spiritual Experience Context] - What I was experiencing before meeting A.
• [The Dreams] - The dreams I've connected to this encounter
• [Theoretical Framework] - How I've made philosophical/spiritual sense of consciousness and this experience
• [Full Narrative] - Detailed accounts of both meetings