SPIRITUAL EMERGENCE

It documents the "expansion burst," detailing how my consciousness successfully achieved a temporary state of High Coherence

I grew up in Eastern Europe, where Christian Orthodoxy was an important part of people's lives. Words like 'God', and 'Devil' were what I would call rather frequent in people's vocabulary. I remember how, when I was a kid, my grandma taught me how to pray. I was supposed to kneel in front an icon, and say a prayer that is usually taught to children, a prayer dedicated to one's guardian angel. I remember kneeling in front of that icon, and repeating the words I was taught. I remember my knees hurting, and by the third day, I was refusing to kneel. I reasoned that a loving God, as I was taught god was, wouldn't want me to hurt, or to just regurgitate something my heart wasn't into. I didn't stop praying altogether, but I stopped kneeling. I wasn't yet ready to stop praying, because I was told it was sin. By the 7th day, I was already fed up, and decided to just have conversations with God from the comfort of my bed.

I also remember how when I went to church as a 13 year old, I was supposed to perform a particular ritual destined for women alone. I remember feeling so revolted by the idea that it was meant to be performed by women alone, that I found myself having a rather annoyed conversation along these lines with God 'You know what God!? If you want me in your church, you will have to accept me without doing that, otherwise I am not entering.' That was that, and never engaged with that ritual. A moment of defiance against dogma that would end up defining my relationship with God. 

My relationship with God, however, survived my resistance to dogma. This was because ever since I was a kid, I had vivid dreams. There was a lot of fear in many of these dreams. For this reason I experienced, and labelled them nightmares. Many of them were filled with spiritual, and religious symbolism; demolished churches, crosses with nailed devils, priests, etc. These nightmares were always set in a dimly lit environment. A frequent presence in these nightmares was a figure I labelled the Devil. This figure would appear in the shape of a dark haired man with black eyes, and full lips. He would always taunt me, be lustful towards me, and tell me things like 'I will get you eventually', 'You will be mine', or 'You're cute' whenever I would push back.

Because of these nightmares, I actively desired, and built a closeness to God, hoping for protection. Some of these nightmares were so intense, that they gave me ptsd. I remember that whenever I was home alone, any faint noise would trigger me to grab a Bible, keep it to my chest, and plead to God to keep me safe. While much less frequent, my nightmares followed me into my adulthood; although, as I grew up, I got better at controlling, and reasoning with my fear. I also started looking into the symbolism trying to find a rational reason I was having these nightmares.

While I had this rich experience, with dreams infused with spiritual symbolism, I never turned religious. I didn't even identify with Christian Orthodoxy, although culturally I was Christian Orthodox. The dogmatic aspect never agreed with me. I rarely engaged with rituals, and for the most part I felt it would be pointless to look into other spiritual philosophies I could identify with, simply because I reasoned, you couldn't know which one was the 'right' one. For whatever reason I still felt some pull towards spirituality, but I never aligned myself with any of the ideas I came across. I was open, yet skeptical of everything. The only part of religious thought, and spirituality I ever resonated with was the concept of love. I always loved love. 

I remember how in May 2013, shortly before moving to London, I had a dream I ended up dismissing, just like I dismissed all my other dreams, or nightmares. In this dream, I was at my laptop, and I was having a rather casual conversation with a friend of mine I wasn't in touch with at the time. In the next instance of this dream someone knocked on my door, and asked for a needle.

In July of that year I moved to London. One evening, I found myself having the same conversation from the above mentioned dream, with that very friend in the same setting from my dream; he was the one who initiated the re-connection, so it wasn't something I reached for. I remembered the dream I'd had just a few months earlier, but I figured it all had to have a rational explanation, so I didn't bother too much with it. I headed downstairs to get some water maybe. As I was walking down the stairs, I heard someone mention a needle. I found this to be freaky, but once more I didn't concern myself too much with it. I thought that since no one knocked on my door, the experience in my dream wasn't identical to my lived reality, therefore the dream wasn't precognitive. I reasoned that when I had the dream I knew I was going to move to London, and figured there must be a rational explanation for it all, one I simply didn't know of due to a lack of adequate knowledge in various fields that could rationally explain the occurrence.

I remember, how one night around that same time, I had another dream. That day that friend of mine who was working towards a PhD in behaviorism had shared ideas with me, telling me how people's behaviors change when their environments change too. I found the idea fascinating, and the night before having this dream, I remember asking myself, 'How can you change perspective when you are unable to change the environment?'. That night, I dreamt I was in an environment made of a coloured air-like matter. There were yellows, oranges, pinks, and reds blending into each other, as if they were watercolours. It seemed like there was nothing around me, beneath, or above. I was made out of the same matter the rest of the environment was made out of. A gigantic humanoid entity made of the same matter, approached me. I was then shown a landscape of houses, and trees somewhere down beneath. This landscape was made of the same matter, but at the same time, I was also able to see the green of the tree leaves, and the brown of roofs. As I was shown this landscape, I was explained how to change perspective. There were no words used, and it was as if the information from this gigantic humanoid being was simply entering my being. In the next sequence of my dream, I was at a much higher level, although no levels could be distinguished. I was at an almost 180 degrees rotation angle, somewhere above from the spot I was in initially, and I was looking down at the same landscape of trees, and houses.

When I woke up that morning, I had this frustrating feeling that I knew the mechanism for how to change perspective, like it was within me, but I had no words, or ways of articulating what I felt I knew.

The following year, I was still in London, but I had moved to different accommodation. I reconnected with a man I had had a toxic romantic dynamic with - G. - with our relationship having been an on and off type of thing. He came back into my life once again. We hadn't talked to each other in a few years. He was claiming to still be in love with me. He used to tell me we were probably soulmates, and did so once more. I still felt something for him, and entertained the idea of giving it another shot with him. As I was living through this, there were news that Russia was getting ready to invade Crimea. At one point, I began being bombarded with what seemed like memories. They felt like deja-vu, and became excessive enough to cause me distress. They became more, and more frequent, and it was like I was living in a constant state of deja-vu. I don't remember when exactly, but at one point, I was able to remember I'd had a dream of that very same circumstance some years prior, as I was still living in my home country. I didn't really understand the dream initially, as while it seemed to have been precognitive, I wasn't able to make much of it. The memories I was having seemed to contradict one another, and they didn't make much sense as a sequence of events.

Seeing some of the war related news in my feed triggered me to remember, how the day after I had the dream I recounted it to G. who was a regular presence in my life at the time. I remembered being fascinated, and telling him how I was scrolling through my Fb feed in my dream, but that it looked different. There were all these professional looking photos, cool videos, and it just looked different. I remembered the war related photos I had seen in my feed, but I didn't mention them as I didn't think they meant anything in particular. 

The general impression I was left with from my dream was that I was scrolling through a fb feed filled with professional looking photos, and videos, unlike my then feed. My then fb feed was rather boring looking - just friends statuses, maybe a game notification, and photos my friends would post. 

This particular memory of recounting the dream to G. the following day, in conjunction with memories around my relationship with him at the time, helped me place my dream in time - April 2010, 4 years prior. I remembered the date with relative precision, because I remembered the context as being close to someone's birthday. 

I was perplexed. I didn't feel I could believe such a thing was possible. I felt the need to investigate a little, and check if my memory was accurate. I googled images of Fb's UI in 2010 to see if it matched my memory. It did. The shock was so intense that it took me a while to accept this as my reality. For a while I kept verifying my memory. The more I tried to find alternative interpretations, the more details surrounding my conversation with G. emerged, and they all seemed to fit into the larger picture. I remembered how at the time I read an article about the evolution of the fb feed. They had just introduced the like button, and there was a lot of speculation, including speculation about a potential dislike button. The more I was trying to prove my memory was somehow misfiring, the more details would emerge. This happened until I felt I had no other option but to accept this as my reality - I lived the same exact reality I was living now, 4 years before, down to the conversations with G., the room I was in, and the war photos in my feed (Russia's annexation of Crimea). 

While it was the memory of the content in my Fb feed that fascinated me in 2010, the actual content of my dream was mainly about my and G's connection. As the time was going by I was able to piece back the bits and pieces I remembered. The reason behind why the fragments seemed contradictory to one another caused me an even bigger blow.

I was remembering how in my dream I was chatting with G.. We had an argument, and broke up. I was in love with him, so I went back in my dream to a moment before the argument. I was hoping to avoid the argument, since I had the benefit of hindsight, and I knew what caused it. I managed to avoid it, only for us to end up arguing again. This argument seemed to happen a few months later, from the moment that triggered the first argument. This one, however, and the resulting break-up felt like a permanent rupture. I went back in my dream again. I went back to a moment before this 'second' argument. I managed to avoid the 'second' one as well. This version of events of my dream seemed to take our relationship onto stable ground. 

Because our relationship had always been an on and off type of thing, breaking up with G. didn't even really register with me in 2010 when I had the dream. At the time I also dismissed it as just a random dream - nothing special.

In 2014 I was seriously disturbed by the memory of this dream. I felt as if my reality had shifted over night. I now not only had a precognitive dream I could place in time, but this dream contained three versions of events of that same exact circumstance, that was now unmistakably unfolding into my life. I felt that if I wanted to, I could influence G.'s future. I felt I had a lot of control which made me feel very uncomfortable. 

As the conversation that led to the 'first' argument in my dream started happening with G., I felt I had to tell him what was going on. He didn't take me seriously. I felt alone, and didn't know what to do. I simply didn't know how to act on the information I had. On one hand, I was still in love with G., but I felt that acting on the memories from this dream would be controlling and it didn't feel right. While it didn't feel right, the very existence of such a dream being possible was so shocking to me, that I found myself considering that my feeling could be misguided. I figured there had to be a purpose for why I would have such a dream, and why that dream would offer me such control of the outcome. Was it right to control the outcome, just because you could do so? It felt paralysing.

In trying to sort through what I should do, I felt the need to ask myself if G. was right when he was saying we were soulmates. He was sincere whenever he mentioned this could be true of our connection, and despite never having considered such a possibility before, I was now desperate enough to do so in trying to figure out how to approach the dream. I started googling about soulmates. I remember reading some articles that were making a comparison between twin flames, and other kinds of soul connections. After reading those articles, I couldn't help, but feel that our connection didn't really match the twin flame description. I felt unable to say G.'s soul was identical to mine. I thought, that if I was to go forward with him, then our connection had to match that description. I felt our connection didn't match that description. I couldn't say our souls were identical, but then again how could you be sure of such a thing?

What I was living through triggered me to have all sorts of questions about God, and God's existence. What if this was God's way of sending me a message? I didn't even know if God was real, and in order to understand if it was a message from God, I first had to determine how I truly felt about God, and God's existence. 

Since I grew up in Eastern Christian Orthodoxy, even as an agnostic, and as someone who delved into other kinds of spiritualities, it was unquestionable that I was still making an association between god and religion. I felt I had to resolve that, and I felt to give God, one last chance. If I was to end up concluding the Christian Orthodox, or another version of the Abrahamic god must be real, fine; otherwise I was ready to label myself an atheist, or whatever label was appropriate for the conclusion I would end up reaching. In trying to give God one last chance, I thought it was only fair I do it 'right'. 

Because the Christian Orthodox Easter fasting period was approaching, I planned to fast through it. I also started reading, and watching videos with religious advice, on what the best practices were. I remember I also started to read a prayer, and was planning to do so every day. It was a long prayer. Several pages long, but if it was what was expected from me, I was ready to conform. I lasted about two, or three days, when I felt, I was once again regurgitating words my heart wasn't into. I stopped with the prayer, but continued my fast. 

I expanded my reading, and video watching to figures from other religions, and spiritual philosophies. I was hoping that figuring out the god problem, will help me with what to do next, with what to do with precognition, and my dream. 

By the 11th day I was feeling I wasn't allowed to do anything I actually desired to do. Everything seemed to be sinful. I started feeling as if in pleasing God, the way religious figures were teaching, I was supposed to deny my own being. This idea truly upset me. It all started from wanting to smoke a joint. I hadn't had any weed, or any fun for that matter since I started my fast. I wanted to give up and just buy weed, but I observed myself feeling guilty. It was sin, and god wouldn't like that. It seemed like there was no fun in the god these spiritual figures were talking about. In that moment I felt I was faced with having to choose: either live my life from an authentic space, but one God clearly disapproved of and be damned for all eternity in hell, or abide by what God seemed to find pleasing. In that moment I said to God: 'You know what?! If you are real, and I have to go to hell, because I lived as who I truly am, I am going to willingly choose hell.' I was so upset over it all, that I wanted to call myself an atheist as a final act of defiance.

The following moments unfolded with rapidity; most of the following were ideas I had thought of before, but never in a sequence. This time around, not only was I thinking, or somewhat feeling these ideas, but my circumstances caused me to fully feel through, and experience them. 

I remember feeling that all I was being taught by religion was that I was supposed to fear. I also felt, that if god is indeed loving, as all religions, and spiritual philosophies teach, then how could god want to keep you bound through the use of fear for eternal damnation? This didn't seem like love. As I was feeling through all of this, I made a connection, and remembered the tarot card 'The Devil'. It depicts a couple shackled to a throne or something, on which is sat the Devil. The imagery was reminding me of what I was going through. That's how fear felt like. Like shackles. Now, making an association with the tarot card the Devil, I felt, as if only the Devil could instill the kind of fear religion teaches. It all felt just like that; shackles made out of fear. Everything was sin, and if you didn't conform, you were going to burn for the rest of eternity in the hell fire. I, then, remembered a dream I had as a kid.

In this dream I was in an environment that looked like hell. It was a nothingness of sorts of fiery colours - with yellows, and oranges, and pinks, and reds - blending into each other. I was in a roller-coaster. If I recall correctly, I hadn't even seen roller-coasters before. I was just a little girl living in a country that had only relatively recently entered its post-communist era. There was only one other person in this roller-coaster. There was only one cart empty between me, and this other person - a dark-haired man, with black eyes, and full lips. He kept taunting me. He would reach out his arm, as if to grab me. While I was within his reach, he would draw out his arm, laugh, and then repeat the same actions again. I remember feeling terrified.

It was this when it dawned on me, that the fiery coloured nothingness, where yellows, and oranges, and pinks, and reds were blending into each other was strikingly similar to the environment from the dream I'd had two years before - the dream in which I was shown how to change perspective.

It seemed like the difference in my perception of the environments in these two dreams was given by how I was feeling. I grew up convinced the roller-coaster dream was set in hell, while I had pleasant feelings of the environment from the dream I was shown how to change perspective.

I don't remember how it all started exactly, but I think it took me a few seconds to realise what was happening. I am not being metaphorical when I say that I felt as if invisible shackles broke loose from my wrists, and ankles. It was how it literally felt. As if shackles I hadn't even been aware of having broke loose all of a sudden. I then realised I felt connected to something beyond myself. I experienced what I understood as light, truth and love. I experienced love and fear as two sides of the same coin. It felt like everything was a paradox, while no paradox existed. I sensed I was able to perceive the mechanics of how the Universe is structured. 

All that I was experiencing seemed to flow from the moments prior where my precognitive dream with three different outcomes had painted a picture between cause and effect at the level of experience. The structure I was seeing seemed to flow moment from moment as if every moment of my life had fallen into place like pieces in a puzzle I didn't even know existed. 

I felt that while various Christian ideas hold some truth in them, they weren't fully true. I wouldn't be comfortable sharing the entirety of my experience, but as an example that I absolutely love: what Christianity calls Sin became in my understanding the act of denying/going against one's true nature.

I then remember feeling a sense of both joy and relief as for some reason my mind jumped to the gay community. I had always felt irritation and frustration with religion condemning gay communities as sinful. I empathised with the countless people who felt excluded from their faith, and condemned for who they were. I was now certain that denying the gay was in fact what was 'sin'/lacking in love. 

I am not sure when, but at one point through this experience I also became aware of my eternal and infinite nature and existence. 

All of this happened in what felt like a matter of seconds. I also remember that at one point, I heard something. It wasn't sound. I think the best way to describe it is emotional in nature, but I 'heard' words. I 'heard' what I understood as God. I won't say what I 'heard' exactly, but in that moment I burst in tears, as I felt a deep ache for having not believed in God's existence. My tears of remorse, then turned into tears of joy.

This experience left me feeling truly free to not identify with any spiritual philosophy, and the act of being felt enough. 

And this is how what once felt like scattered, bizarre incidents now appeared as a single thread - a structure coming into view through pattern, leading me from inherited stories about god to direct knowing.

Disclaimer: This website reflects my personal memories, perceptions, and interpretations of past events. All names and identifying details have been changed. Its purpose is healing, coherence, and self-expression.