This section starts with the account of the dream I had in 2003 when I was 17, which corresponds to the first time we met. It is then followed by the account of the lived reality in 2015, when I was 28.

If you haven't read it already, the section containing the context and introduction to these dreams can offer a more comprehensive understanding of the full picture. 

Dream of the 1st Time We Met - 17 y.o. - 2003

There were mild differences between the reality me and A. shared in 2015, and the experience I had in my dream. In my dream I triggered an event that would end up leaving me and A. alone, but we weren't intimate. In the reality me and A. lived in 2015, I didn't act on what triggered us to remain alone, and I consciously chose physical intimacy.

The context, the people involved, and A.'s house were exactly the same in the dream I had in 2003, as it was in 2015 when I visited it.

I had this dream when I was precisely 17. In 2003. I can place it in time with precision, for two particular reasons. I will touch upon one of them in more detail somewhere below. I know it happened around a year after one of my good friends had transferred schools and we lost touch. I also remember recounting this particular dream to a colleague at school the next day. Due to my friend no longer being in my life, and the memory of the setting in our classroom helped me place it around maybe April 2003. 

***

One day, I went browsing my parents' bookshelves looking for something to read. I stumbled upon a yoga book. While shuffling through the pages, I came upon the concept of tantra yoga, and associated it with tantric sex, a term I had heard of before. I was at a stage when I was trying to define my sexuality, and the idea of tantric sex resonated with me. For some reason, for a while I felt I had an interest in BDSM, but I stumbled upon some erotica that wasn't my jam, so I discarded it and now I found something else to look into.

I googled 'tantric sex', but all I could find at the time was an article on twin flames, that briefly mentioned it. I found the article unsatisfactory for the information I had been looking for. I remember how after reading the article I felt the concept of twin flames was a lovely idea, but I dismissed it as nothing more than a myth.

That night, I dreamt I was in a room with three other people.

I sat on a sofa next to a man I was very attracted to. Right across from us, on another sofa, sat a woman and a man. I remember making out with the man I sat next to, while the two people that sat on the sofa across from us kept telling us to go get a room.

I remember wanting to be alone with that man, and I was making up in my mind scenarios that could make that happen. I wondered what my friend at the time – of the 17 years old me - whom I admired for her mastery of social situations, would do. Inspired by my friend, I, more or less jokingly, suggested to the two other people, to go get a room themselves. The man I was attracted to, encouraged it, which had the other man and the other woman leave the room. Side note: This is one of the reasons I can place my dream in time with such precision. I had lost touch with this friend I admired for her mastery of social situations, shortly before I had the dream. We were very good friends in the 9th, and 10th grade, but she switched schools, and lived in a different town now. I remember how in my dream, I briefly realised, that despite us not having talked in almost a year, her memory was still very much present in my life.

I think it was around this moment that I had a brief moment of awareness that I was experiencing my future in this dream. It was also around this time in my dream, that I became aware I was speaking English, and I was around people from what to me were foreign countries. I found that really cool. Side note: This is one of the examples which indicates that I experienced this dream through my 17 years old consciousness. 17 year old me that had never left Romania, and was excited by the idea of being around, and engaging with foreign people.

I remember the man I was attracted to closing the door behind the two people that left. All of a sudden, I became aware that we may be intimate. I made a poor choice of underwear that night, so I started to feel self-conscious.

I moved to the sofa by the window, hoping to catch my breath for a little while.

Upon closing the door behind the two, the man sat right next to me, on the sofa I had moved onto. We ended up making out. Even though he asked for it, I kept refusing to be intimate with him. I didn't refuse because I didn't desire him, but because I was too self-conscious by my choice of underwear. Because I kept refusing to go further than making out, he blew off the candles, so the room would be in complete darkness. When that didn't work, he thought it was because we didn't know each other. In an attempt to make me feel safe, he talked to me for a while. He shared some things about himself. I vaguely remember him sharing his social and political views which made him seem perfect to me. A man identifying with such values was unusual to 17 year old me used to more patriarchal rooted views in 2003 post-communist Romania. He seemed like the exact type of man I had been looking for. He actually seemed too good to be true.

I loved everything he told me about himself. He seemed to have this really interesting balance between soft and hard. A particular balance I hadn't seen in anyone else, and one I felt I could recognise myself in. I began wondering if he was the other half of my soul. The more we were talking, the more prominent this idea became in my mind. Because to me, he seemed this incredible man, because the chemistry between us was so intense, and because of my awareness I was in a dream, I began worrying I was once again, in the presence of that entity. The concept of two people sharing the same soul seemed too farfetched to me. The Devil, however, was a regular in my dreams.

Now, my constant refusal wasn't rooted in self-consciousness anymore, but in fear. I remember us being on that sofa by the window, making out, while I kept going back and forth, between 'he is the other half of my soul' vs 'he is the Devil'.

It was morning already. Now we were just sitting side by side on the sofa with the window behind us. I think I was trying to make small talk, as at this point he seemed annoyed I refused to be intimate with him. He kept circling back to physical intimacy, and ended up mockingly asking me, if I was a virgin. In an attempt to take his mind off of sex, I asked him what he thought the two people who were in the room with us initially, were doing. Visibly annoyed, he replied "They are having sex, unlike us". Side note: This one is a quote. I remember this one that vividly.

Because the man was a little frustrated due to my refusal, I suggested we go check on the other two people.

When we opened the door, the two people were waiting for us in the other room. Initially, all four of us made some small talk. We even had a light laugh.

All of a sudden the woman broke out in tears, and accused the friend of the man I had spent the night with of rape. I was shocked, and terrified. She was telling me to call the police, at which point, the man I had spent the night with was telling me not to. He was saying it was visible she was mentally unwell. I remember the fear, the terror, me wondering if she had been raped.

At this moment I woke up. I think I woke up more terrified by the rape accusation, and the idea that I was in a room adjacent to a woman being raped, rather than the possibility of that man being the devil. This dream scarred me, and felt traumatising.

Upon waking up, I remember thinking of the possibility of that dream being a part of my future, but I refused to believe I could go through anything like that. Not to mention the idea of me having precognitive dreams, which seemed just too wild to consider. I tried to give it various interpretations. I thought that maybe, the man was a symbol for me, and I was supposed to look at the similarities between us. I thought it was just another dream with the Devil. No matter how bad I wanted to just shake it off from my mind and soul, I didn't seem to be able to. Unlike most of my other dreams or nightmares, this one felt haunting.

It was haunting enough that I found myself thinking of it the next day at school. I was thinking about what it all meant, about that man, about how I would go back and forth between he is the Devil, or the other half of my soul. I had no attachment whatsoever to the idea of him being the other half of my soul, mostly because I found such an idea to be absurd. It was the back and forth between such contrasting ideas that felt remarkable to me.

I remember how when I got home from school that day, I wanted to take a nap. As I was lying in bed, I couldn't help, but think of the dream, of the man in my dream. The more I was thinking about it all, the more aroused I was getting. My lust got the better of me, and despite my fears, I thought there would be nothing wrong if I was to masturbate to the memory of him. He was probably just a harmless fantasy. I distinctly remember thinking that maybe I could fantasise about going all the way with him. I was curious about how that would be like.

As I was masturbating, I found myself unable to imagine being intimate with him, and my mind kept running in other directions. I started to feel a lot of guilt. I then felt ashamed of myself; I couldn't help, but masturbate to a man I worried was the Devil. In trying to resolve my guilt and shame, I felt forced to admit to myself that I want a man like the man in my dream, but preferably without the fear. I distinctly remember the word 'preferably', as if I knew fear was a package deal. It felt as if the man in my dream was everything I didn't even know I needed. It was only after admitting this to myself, that I was finally able to let go of the memory of this dream, and dismiss it all as nothing more than a stupid dream.

Later that day, I found myself googling BDSM again, and BDSM replaced my interest in tantric sex. Until I met A. in 2015, and this and the memory of my dream came back into my awareness, I never thought of tantric sex since that day in 2003. I remember observing then, in 2003, how my desire for tantric sex was replaced by a desire for BDSM due to the dream. I then thought that maybe this was the purpose this dream served; to help me discover aspects of my sexuality.

Meeting A. the First Time

S. had planned for us to go to a BDSM club. She had heard me talk about BDSM before, and 50 Shades of Gray was all the rage at the time. She liked the idea of us watching it together in a movie theater, and then going to a BDSM club. It was a double celebration - both a parting away gift for me, and her birthday.

It was only the second time I would enter a BDSM club, with the first time being only a brief visit. Even if I had had an interest in BDSM ever since my teens I hadn't really experimented with it. My life didn't unfold in a way where I would get to explore such experiences.

I had no plans of meeting anyone there that night, let alone hooking up. None whatsoever. Hooking up with guys I had met in clubs wasn't really my jam. I would never engage in anything more than shallow, casual conversations with guys in this type of scenario.

By that night, I had however just opened up to the idea of shared souls, and I remember how that whole night I kept thinking how cool it would be to share that experience with the man who shares my soul if there was such a thing. I imagined we would have to be into the same kind of experiences.

S., took a liking to a guy in the club. I encouraged her to strike a conversation with him, which she ended up doing. The guy she liked was accompanied by a friend of his, A.. Finding himself pushed aside by his friend in favor of S., A. started chatting me up. We even danced a little, and made some small talk. He said he liked my dancing skills, probably trying to flirt. I, however, wasn't the right person, because I simply had this thing regarding men in clubs, and dismissed any who hit on me in that context.

This was actually true for any man I met for the first time. My pattern was to fall in love after a long time of sustained friendship. A. seemed nice, but that was it.

I think all four of us, me, S., A. and his friend M., ended up going outside for a smoke. I remember A. saying something, and I remember thinking he was funny. All four of us engaged in casual conversation, feeling rather amused. I don't recall how this ended up being suggested, or who suggested it, but at one point they invited us to go to home with them. I had personally never done something like that before - to go home with strange men. That night however, I was impartial. Being fresh after my spiritual experience, I was feeling high as a kite on Love. I felt untouchable, and according to my theory no harm could come to me in that heightened state.

Because I knew S. liked M., I told her it was up to her, and that if she wanted us to go with them, I was there. She said she didn't know, pointing out that we had just met them. High as a kite on Love me simply said I was ready to kick their assess, if they tried anything funky. This amused A. and he asked for a high five, which I too found an amusing thing to engage in. As this was happening, their Uber had already arrived, and we had to make a snap decision. We ended up getting in the Uber with them.

In the Uber we made some small talk. I learnt what A. and M. did for a living. Someone said something about Marcus Aurelius, to which S. made a statement about him saying he was an orator. I smiled, and told S. he wasn't known for being an orator, and A. also interjected.

We reached A.'s home. He led us to what struck me as a lounge room of sorts, with three white or beige sofas and a coffee table in the middle. The room was lit by several candles on the coffee table. I think M. had rushed and lit the candles before we entered the room, but I'm not quite sure of this sequence of events.

We sat in pairs on two of the sofas. S. and M. on the sofa next to the door, and me and A. on the sofa facing them. I wasn't necessarily wanting to sit next to A., but since S. took a liking to M. it felt the most obvious arrangement.

A. asked us if we wanted something to drink. I don't remember who suggested it, but A. ended up opening a bottle of wine. The wine was fine, but I don't really drink, so I also asked for water. I remember A. opening the bottles in front of us, a gesture I appreciated. I remember I thought the gesture made him look beautiful. I recognised myself in that kind of gesture, and for a moment I saw myself reflected in him.

Right at the start of the night, S. told A. and M. to leave the room for a little while. I think A. thought she was joking, but she really wasn't, lol. She needed to talk to me in private, so she told them to get out of the room for a little while. A. was visibly annoyed, but I think he ended up gesturing something to M. after which moment they both left the room.

S. needed to tell me about her plans. She wanted to pretend that night. She wanted to forget the context of her life. Nothing big, but she simply felt like she wanted a break from her reality. She wanted to assume a different persona. She needed to tell me this, as she needed my support. It seemed completely harmless. It wasn't what I wanted for myself, but if it was what she wanted for herself... Looking back, her specifically saying she wanted a break from her reality is quite ironic in the context of what unfolded.

A. and M. returned. We made some small talk, and we lit, and split a joint. We had some wine, and everything seemed nice.

I don't remember at what point bits of memories from the dream I had at 17 started popping into my awareness. I remember that it began with a feeling of darkness I couldn't quite understand. This darkness slowly turned into fragmented memories. Initially all I remembered was S. accusing M. of sexual assault. When S. and M. started kissing, and making out, I started staring at them, watching their every move.

A. kept trying to engage me in conversation, but I wasn't that interested at first. I was literally ignoring him trying to make sure nothing weird was happening between S. and M.. I realised A. would probably think I was weird, but I didn't really care. My priority was to make sure no S.A. was going to happen.

A. seemed to think I was avoiding him, as I wasn't even looking in his direction. It was this when he possibly asked me if I was shy. I don't think I answered. This prompted him to try harder, and maybe asked me why I wasn't even looking in his direction. I then said 'Because it's dangerous' with a mischievous smile. You would think I had remembered the part of my dream that included him. That wasn't the case. There was this constant sense of darkness I was feeling, but in that moment I was just being a little playful. I was at the same time avoiding to say why I wasn't looking at him. I didn't feel I could explain why I was staring at S. and M., without seeming even weirder.

I think he tried to engage me in a conversation. I am not entirely sure how we ended up on this subject, but I believe one of the first subjects we connected about was around our views on stereotypes. I only vaguely recall the interaction, but that was the moment A. became interesting to me.

As me and A. were talking, my eyes still kept going back to S. and M.. My head was facing him, but my eyes were turned to them. This prompted A. to ask me if I had a fetish for voyeurism. I became aware that despite my best efforts, I was being quite obvious. Even so, I still did my best to not lose track of what was happening with S. and M..

At one point A. asked me something, or maybe even noticed something and labelled it as coincidence. In reply to that, I said 'There is no such thing as a coincidence', which prompted him to ask me if I really believed that. The irony is that I was only saying that as a consequence of my recently acquired worldview and understanding of the nature of reality, with no awareness for what was about to follow. I hadn't yet remembered the parts of my dream where I would go back, and forth between A. sharing my soul, or being the Devil.

We were making conversation. I remember S. started telling A. about me. It left me with the impression that she was trying to make us connect, or maybe just being a proud friend. She told him how I studied Architecture back home, and then fashion at CSM. He went 'Really?'. I owned the Architecture part, but felt to add that I didn't graduate. I also felt to correct the CSM part, as it wasn't where I graduated. The CSM came as a result of S.'s desire to take a break from her reality. I wasn't aware her break was going to include a break from my reality, and I found it amusing. I quietly corrected S. and let A. know the truth.

At one point, A. asked me to tell him more about myself. I never knew how to answer those questions. I think I only ended up telling him I was into metaphysics, something which had A. tell me he hadn't heard that from someone in a long time. I also remember how at one point I told A. I should have been a philosopher, to which A. replied that I already am one.

S. asked A. where was he from. This prompted me to think his obvious British accent was from a different part of the UK. I don't know if he answered the question straight away, or if he asked for clarifications, but I remember him visibly upset as he said 'India'. Seeing him upset had me place my hand on his arm, in an attempt to comfort him as I understood why he got upset. He was triggered by my gesture, and accused me of trying to stop him from being violent. He wasn't having it no matter how many times I said that wasn't what I was doing. Between his anger, and my now feeling embarrassed, I didn't know how to answer when he asked me why I did that. My feeling of embarrassment around straight-up answering his question was a consequence of the environment I grew up in. An environment where I felt my social awareness wasn't the norm. He cooled down at one point, and chose to let it go. I am however unsure if he ever believed me.

Whenever S. would take a break from her make out sessions with M., I would ask her if she was ok. She constantly reassured me she was fine. Because I kept asking her, she eventually got annoyed with me. Even so, whenever S. and M. would start making out, I would resume my vigilance. I tried to do so with more consideration for A.'s perception, for no other reason than that I wouldn't have known how to explain myself.

I don't remember when A. and I started making out, but I do remember feeling like my experience of it all was hazy. I felt as if I had unusual lack of self-control around him. My feelings felt overpowering. This prompted me to ask him in a playful tone 'What are you? Temptation?'.

I suspected that the blurriness I was experiencing at that moment was a consequence of the fact that I was literally re-living a dream. While we smoked weed that night, I was at the time a daily smoker, so not only was I rather tolerant, but I felt that weed alone couldn't have intensified that sense of haziness I experiencing. It seemed plausible that it could be the weed in combination with my dream, but I felt the need to make sure. Given my awareness of the dangers of the circumstance - two men I had just met - I felt the need to consider the more threatening possibilities. I didn't want to offend him, so I started by apologising for what I was about to ask 'Did he give me any drugs without my knowledge?'. We had a brief interaction I only vaguely recall. In essence he told me that no, and proceeded to tell me that aside from the weed, he also had some mdma earlier that night.

A. kept trying to be intimate which would end up in my refusal. I desired him, as much as he seemed to desire me, but I did not want to lose track of what was happening with S. and M.. By then I had remembered the gist of my dream, including the back and forth, but I was unsure how to proceed with him. Even if I remembered the gist of my dream, I was still skeptical. I hadn't gotten used to the reality that I was capable of precognition. I was being cautious, as while I remembered the gist of the dream, specific details emerged as the night unfolded, and I was weary about what I didn't yet remember from my dream.

Things became rather impassioned between us. Enough for S. and M. to repeatedly tell us to go get a room. It was around this time, that I remembered the detail about how I ended up alone with A. in my dream. I remembered how in my dream I thought of my friend, and inspired by her, I, more or less jokingly told the two people facing us, to go get a room themselves, which was encouraged by A. in my dream. So, in 2015 when this part of my dream started unfolding, I consciously chose not to act it. I also feel to mention that in 2015 it was the first time I thought of that friend in years. We had lost touch around 2009 I think.

I started to relax my vigilance a little when S. and M. started being intimate. I hadn't seen anything that would alert me, and felt I was in the clear. I still overlooked the situation, but not as intently.

I then started paying more attention to A.. A. was really sweet that night, and it all started being really tender and caring between us. I remember asking A. if this is how he treats all women when he meets them, and A. reassured me I wasn't just another woman to him. That night A. also remarked we were very much alike, and although I don't remember when exactly, I do remember that at one point I distinctly felt I could recognise my soul in him, but I didn't read too much into my feeling as I always treated feelings as nothing more than data.

I remember weighing whether or not to be intimate with him. One of the reasons I refused to be intimate with A. in my dream was due to my choice of underwear. I don't know what kind of underwear I was wearing in my 2003 dream, but I assume I had made the same choice as I did in 2015. I had no plans on being intimate with anyone, so I didn't really consider the aesthetics of my underwear. Due to the memory of having refused to be intimate with him due to my choice of underwear, I consciously chose to not allow the fear of being judged to be a factor in my decision. Looking back, this choice feels a little on the cuckoo side. However, given the existential nature of my experience, I would likely choose yet again to not factor potential embarrassment.

I ended up factoring the back and forth from my dream. I was curious. What would change? I had nothing to compare against, but I was curious nonetheless. I also remember feeling lustful, realising that I wasn't being intimate with him solely on account that he could be the Devil. This put my choice into perspective. I was refusing to be intimate with him because I worried he could be the Devil. How ridiculous. I ended up being the one instigating physical intimacy at that point.

I remember A. asking me to look him in the eyes. The eye contact felt too intense for me, and I was unable to sustain it. I do however recall how in trying to make eye contact, I felt and said to myself 'I am now lost'.

The night unfolded with many tender moments between me and A.. I remember we were kissing at one point, while S. and M. kept making all sorts of remarks about us. This had A. tell me to ignore them, because they were jealous we fell in love. A. saying this surprised me, as I wasn't expecting it so soon. Seeing my surprised reaction caused A. to pout, but I reassured him that I also fell in love.

I felt sleepy at one point. Since the sofa wasn't big enough, and comfortable for both of us, A. insisted I sleep on top of him. I didn't want to do this. I was feeling I was too heavy. He insisted, and despite my worries and insecurities, I relented. I fell into a light sleep almost instantly, and nearly as soon as it happened, I also started shivering. A. asked M. to bring him a blanket. I remember with how much care A. tried to place the blanket on me, so I would stop shivering. Despite his effort, I woke up. I had some vague idea about what had happened, but I was surprised to hear that I not only fell asleep straight away, but that I began shivering. I don't think my shivering was due to being cold. I think it was a reaction my body had to the amount of fear that circumstance triggered within me.

I remember wanting to go to the bathroom, but since I didn't know where the bathroom was A. accompanied me. When I got out of the bathroom, A. was waiting for me, and he pulled me into what I assume was his bedroom, which was right across from the bathroom. We started making out, and despite the fact that I really desired him, I kept trying to resist. It felt difficult to resist him, but I felt too overwhelmed not to. This caused us to have a brief exchange, during which A. asked me if it was because I was worried about S., and told me M. wasn't the type. That question triggered me, as I didn't know what to answer, since I felt my answer will sound insane. I lowered my gaze, got up and tried to rush out of the room. This prompted A. to jump in front of me, and try to stop me by placing his arm on the door frame, right in front of me. As I crouched, and left the room walking underneath A.'s arm, he asked me 'Why do you keep running from me?'. The truth of it was that while I felt it was best if I stayed in that lounge room with S. and M. that night, between my dream which I had experienced as a nightmare, and the insanity I felt my story to be, I had no idea how to share all of that, or how to act around him.

After the bathroom incident, I remember sitting in A.'s lap facing him. I remember him telling me to lean out, but I kept saying no, as I didn't want him to drop me. He kept saying he won't drop me, and that I should trust him. I eventually conceded. It felt like an exercise of trust to me. To be quite honest earlier that night, before I even considered A. could have the same soul as mine, I felt he was exactly the kind of man I imagined I could trust with my life. Such a feeling was unusual for me. Generally speaking I would say I am a rather cautious person. I had never had a feeling that would go to that extreme about anyone else before.

I wasn't reading too much into these feelings. They were to me nothing, nothing but feelings that could have been generated by all sorts of misperceptions, or the result of wishful thinking. So when he told me to lean out, and I eventually did, I still found myself worrying he would end up dropping me. He didn't. I remember this putting a really big smile on my face.

The night turned to morning. S. started admiring his garden which was visible from the room's window. She kept suggesting we have a barbecue. I think A. was offended by that, and he made a remark I don't quite recall. I kindly called him out on his passive aggression. A. moved to the sofa by the window, and I asked him if he has control issues. I feel I did so in a kind and compassionate manner, as it triggered a sweet smile from him, while calmly saying something about how all of his issues seemed to surface. This prompted me to tell him he was cute, which seemed to make him feel some sort of nostalgia maybe. I didn't really understand his reaction, so I asked him if he didn't like being told he's cute. He only said that no one called him cute before, maybe only his mother.

A. was now back with me on the sofa. He was laying, and I was standing next to him. At first I kept slipping off, but then I exaggerated the expression and repetition of my behavior. This had him tell me to stop exaggerating it, so I stopped, and felt a little embarrassed he noticed that.

We started playing with each other's hand, when A. asked me to be in a relationship with him. I don't exactly remember the sequence, but I remember telling him 'it was too much, too soon'. While I was completely taken away by him, I felt I had a lot to process around his persona and the label felt like imposing a premature structure onto a reality that hadn't had time to settle. I didn't want him reading into it, so I proceeded to ask him something along the lines of what does that even mean to him. In reply to my question of what does that even mean to him, he started listing a series of mundane relationship centered interactions; going shopping, making love, going on walks, making love.

A. brought us something to eat. Yogurt and raspberries I believe. As we were eating, he said he needed to get ready to visit his niece/nieces - can't quite remember if he used plural. S. was still fixed on the barbecue. A. seemed annoyed by her for a while now, and I felt he put up with her because it meant I was there.

After we were done eating, I told S. we should leave, and I don't think she resisted my idea. Before leaving, A. asked me when he could see me again. I said I didn't know, since I had to get my stuff in order, as I was supposed to leave for my home country in two weeks. He said we had to see each other again before I left, and gave me his business card.

He called a taxi. I asked A. if he could lend me a t-shirt, as I felt my dress was inappropriate for a Sunday morning. He brought me a t-shirt, and me and S. went outside to wait for the taxi.

As we were waiting outside, all of a sudden, S. started lashing out at me. She started calling me a slag, telling me she didn't know anything about me. We had been friends for 4 years at that point, and had spent a lot of time together. She was very erratic, and kept picking on me. I think she pulled my I.D. out of her purse looking intently at it. All my belongings, and the little money I had left were in her purse, as I hadn't brought a purse with me that night. Even if I had recovered my belongings, I still didn't have enough left for the fare without her contribution. Given her condition, I felt it was unlikely I would manage to take my belongings from her anyway, and that it was even less likely she would contribute to the fare.

It seemed like my only option was to go back, and ask A. for money for the fare. I was embarrassed to do so, but I didn't see any other option in that moment. When the taxi arrived, I asked how much the fare would be. The driver said $40. I went back, and it was M. who answered my knock on the door. A. came out of the bathroom, and was now in the hallway as well. I don't recall how, or what I said exactly, but I remember telling him I needed to ask him for money for the taxi fare. He was shocked when he heard $40, saying it was too much, and couldn't believe that. After a small back and forth where I tried to reassure him, I took the $30 he offered thinking I was going to work it out.

In the car, on our way home, S. kept saying I was shady, and was generally awful to me. The taxi had stopped in traffic, and she jumped out of the car. She was still wearing her short, transparent and revealing dress running and loudly saying things I don't think I even registered. I reached my hand towards the taxi driver, and gave him the $30 I had, then rushed after her. I think the taxi driver was displeased with the $30, but it all happened so fast, with my mind being focused on her, that I didn't even consider an alternative. I don't think there was any in that circumstance.

The scene must have been quite the sight for passersby. I was more clothed, but I still looked odd, while she was running, gesturing, and loudly saying all sorts of mean and ugly things I can't remember, with me running after her.

***

Without going into more detail S. did end up accusing M. of S.A., as she also filled a police report. She believed to have been drugged as she claimed to have no memory. While the night seemed to have unfolded without any significant events, her ending up making that accusation despite my best efforts to pay attention to anything that could be amiss, became a source of trauma for me.

For years on end I found myself fearing her accusation could have a basis in reality, thinking that maybe there were parts I wasn't able to remember. It is only recently that I managed to process this, and say that while I can never speak to her inner experience that night, I can speak to what I observed. My memory of the night was always on the stable side, with a few missing details. While missing details did happen, this entire decade I was always able to remember a coherent timeline that spanned the entire night. At no point during that night was I, or S. incapacitated.

To this day she has no awareness or knowledge of the existence of the dream I had in 2003. She couldn't have been influenced by it, neither consciously, nor unconsciously.

Disclaimer: This website reflects my personal memories, perceptions, and interpretations of past events. All names and identifying details have been changed. Its purpose is healing, coherence, and self-expression.