Documents the data that ended up challenging my reality, demonstrating that my consciousness had already been mapping the structural tension across different points in non-linear time. In my understanding consciousness navigates by pattern and not linear time.

The content in this section follows dreams I actually experienced as nightmares during my asleep state that ended up manifesting in my awake reality in great detail.

Context & Introduction

Growing up I had a lot of nightmares. Because I had so many nightmares I developed the ability to lucid dream. If, as I was dreaming, I became aware I was merely having a dream, I could gain some control. I could consciously strive to wake up, and thus escape those frightening scenarios. Many of these nightmares featured what I labelled as a dark entity - The Devil - a distinctive presence with full lips, and black eyes. A certain, quite particular type. I couldn't clearly remember his face in my awake state, and all I was always left with was a specific type. Looking back, the figure in my dreams embodied a particular aesthetic and energy that I experienced as both attractive and frightening, an attraction I felt ashamed of. Attraction and shame that translated into my awake reality on the rather rare occasions I would come across a man of that particular type.

I didn't know if that man was indeed the Devil, but due to the level of fear I was experiencing in his presence this label seemed to fit, and I ran with it. This figure would constantly taunt, and threaten me. He would tell me he was going to get me eventually, that I was going to be his, and other variations of this kind. Plenty of times there was lust involved.

Because these dreams/nightmares were emotionally intense, they remained rather vivid in my memory. I can still recount most, if not all of them, even today.

Even if the matter seems quite complex, for the most part I can safely conclude I experienced these dreams through my then-years-old consciousness.

I will refer to A. as 'the man'/'the man in my dream', because this is how my memory registered A. in those dreams. Every single detail about the circumstances, and A.'s house were exactly the same in the reality me & A. shared in 2015, as they were in this dream I had in 2003. This was the case for the dream pertaining to the 2nd night we met as well; a dream I had when I was about 12 years old, around 1998.

Since the dreams were vivid, and emotionally intense which meant they lingered, I can also remember details of my daily life, and events surrounding them. This helps me place them in time with precision.

The dream of the first night I met A., which I had in 2003, covered the entire version of events of the reality me and A. shared in 2015. Our shared reality was somewhat different than the experience I had in my dream, because I consciously chose to make different choices either out of curiosity, because I was wanting to prevent a certain outcome, or in trying to conquer my fears. The dream of the second time we met, which I had around 1998 was rather short, and covered a very small portion of events from the reality me and A. shared, in 2015.

So I won't leave room for interpretation, I will say that I am not claiming that every single dream with the man I had labelled the Devil were dreams with A.. While I do see that as a possibility, I also see other possibilities. For this reason, I can only speak on these two dreams in particular. 

Dream of the 1st Time We Met - 17 y.o. - 2003

There were mild differences between the reality me and A. shared in 2015, and the experience I had in my dream. In my dream I triggered an event that would end up leaving me and A. alone, but we weren't intimate. In the reality me and A. lived in 2015, I didn't act on what triggered us to remain alone, and I consciously chose physical intimacy. 

The context, the people involved, and A.'s house were exactly the same in the dream I had in 2003, as it was in 2015 when I visited it. 

I had this dream when I was precisely 17. In 2003. I can place it in time with precision, for two particular reasons.  I will touch upon one of them in more detail somewhere below. I know it happened around a year after one of my good friends had transferred schools and we lost touch. I also remember recounting this particular dream to my desk colleague at school the next day. Due to this friend no longer being in my life, and the memory of the setting in our classroom helps me place it around maybe April 2003.

***

One day, I went browsing my parents' bookshelves looking for something to read. I stumbled upon a yoga book. While shuffling through the pages, I came upon the concept of tantra yoga, and associated it with tantric sex, a term I had heard of before. I was at a stage when I was trying to define my sexuality, and the idea of tantric sex resonated with me. For some reason, for a while I felt I had an interest in BDSM, but I stumbled upon some erotica that wasn't my jam, so I discarded it and now I found something else to look into.

I googled 'tantric sex', but all I could find at the time was an article on twin flames, that briefly mentioned it. I found the article unsatisfactory for the information I had been looking for. I remember how after reading the article I felt the concept of twin flames was a lovely idea, but I dismissed it as nothing more than a myth.

That night, I dreamt I was in a room with three other people.

I sat on a sofa next to a man I was very attracted to. Right across from us, on another sofa, sat a woman and a man. I remember making out with the man I sat next to, while the two people that sat on the sofa across from us kept telling us to go get a room.

I remember wanting to be alone with that man, and I was making up in my mind scenarios that could make that happen. I wondered what my friend at the time – of the 17 years old me - whom I admired for her mastery of social situations, would do. Inspired by my friend, I, more or less jokingly, suggested to the two other people, to go get a room themselves. The man I was attracted to, encouraged it, which had the other man and the other woman leave the room. Side note: This is one of the reasons I can place my dream in time with such precision. I had lost touch with this friend I admired for her mastery of social situations, shortly before I had the dream. We were very good friends in the 9th, and 10th grade, but she switched schools, and lived in a different town now. I remember how in my dream, I briefly realised, that despite us not having talked in almost a year, her memory was still very much present in my life.

I think it was around this moment that I had a brief moment of awareness that I was experiencing my future in this dream. It was also around this time in my dream, that I became aware I was speaking English, and I was around people from what to me were foreign countries. I found that really cool. Side note: This is another example that leaves little room for doubt that I experienced this dream through my 17 years old consciousness. 17 year old me that had never left Romania, and was excited by the idea of being around, and engaging with foreign people.

I remember the man I was attracted to closing the door behind the two people that left. All of a sudden, I became aware that we may be intimate. I made a poor choice of underwear that night, so I started to feel self-conscious.

I moved to the sofa by the window, hoping to catch my breath for a little while.

Upon closing the door behind the two, the man sat right next to me, on the sofa I had moved onto. We ended up making out. Even though he asked for it, I kept refusing to be intimate with him. I didn't refuse because I didn't desire him, but because I was too self-conscious by my choice of underwear. Because I kept refusing to go further than making out, he blew off the candles, so the room would be in complete darkness. When that didn't work, he thought it was because we didn't know each other. In an attempt to make me feel safe, he talked to me for a while. He shared some things about himself. I remember vaguely that he shared his social and political views which made him seem perfect to me. A man identifying with such values was unusual to 17 year old me used to more patriarchal rooted views. He seemed like the exact type of man I had been looking for. He actually seemed too good to be true. 

I loved everything he told me about himself. He seemed to have this really interesting balance between soft and hard. A particular balance I hadn't seen in anyone else, and one I felt I could recognise myself in. I began wondering if he was the other half of my soul. The more we were talking, the more prominent this idea became in my mind. Because to me, he seemed this incredible man, because the chemistry between us was so intense, and because of my awareness I was in a dream, I began worrying I was once again, in the presence of that entity. The concept of two people sharing the same soul seemed too farfetched to me. The Devil, however, was a regular in my dreams.

Now, my constant refusal wasn't rooted in self-consciousness anymore, but in fear. I remember us being on that sofa by the window, making out, while I kept going back and forth, between 'he is the other half of my soul' vs 'he is the Devil'.

It was morning already. Now we were just sitting side by side on the sofa with the window behind us. I think I was trying to make small talk, as at this point he seemed annoyed I refused to be intimate with him. He kept circling back to physical intimacy, and ended up mockingly asking me, if I was a virgin.  In an attempt to take his mind off of sex, I asked him what he thought the two people who were in the room with us initially, were doing. Visibly annoyed, he replied "They are having sex, unlike us". Side note: This one is a quote. I remember this one that vividly.

Because the man was a little frustrated due to my refusal, I suggested we go check on the other two people.

When we opened the door, the two people were waiting for us in the other room. Initially, all four of us made some small talk. We even had a light laugh. 

All of a sudden the woman broke out in tears, and accused the friend of the man I had spent the night with of rape. I was shocked, and terrified. She was telling me to call the police, at which point, the man I had spent the night with was telling me not to. He was saying it was visible she was mentally unwell. I remember the fear, the terror, me wondering if she had been raped.

At this moment I woke up. I think I woke up more terrified by the rape accusation, and the idea that I was in a room adjacent to a woman being raped, rather than the possibility of that man being the devil. This dream scarred me, and felt traumatising.

Upon waking up, I remember thinking of the possibility of that dream being a part of my future, but I refused to believe I could go through anything like that. Not to mention the idea of me having precognitive dreams, which seemed just too wild to consider. I tried to give it various interpretations. I thought that maybe, the man was a symbol for me, and I was supposed to look at the similarities between us. I thought it was just another dream with the Devil. No matter how bad I wanted to just shake it off from my mind and soul, I didn't seem to be able to. Unlike most of my other dreams or nightmares, this one felt haunting.

It was haunting enough that I found myself thinking of it the next day at school. I was thinking about what it all meant, about that man, about how I would go back and forth between he is the Devil, or the other half of my soul. I had no attachment whatsoever to the idea of him being the other half of my soul, mostly because I found such an idea to be absurd. It was the back and forth between such contrasting ideas that felt remarkable to me.

I remember how when I got home from school that day, I wanted to take a nap. As I was lying in bed, I couldn't help, but think of the dream, of the man in my dream. The more I was thinking about it all, the more aroused I was getting. My lust got the better of me, and despite my fears, I thought there would be nothing wrong if I was to masturbate to the memory of him. He was probably just a harmless fantasy. I distinctly remember thinking that maybe I could fantasise about going all the way with him. I was curious about how that would be like.

As I was masturbating, I found myself unable to imagine being intimate with him, and my mind kept running in other directions. I started to feel a lot of guilt. I then felt ashamed of myself; I couldn't help, but masturbate to a man I worried was the Devil. In trying to resolve my guilt and shame, I felt forced to admit to myself that I want a man like the man in my dream, but preferably without the fear. I distinctly remember the word 'preferably', as if I knew fear was a package deal. It felt as if the man in my dream was everything I didn't even know I needed. It was only after admitting this to myself, that I was finally able to let go of the memory of this dream, and dismiss it all as nothing more than a stupid dream.

Later that day, I found myself googling BDSM again, and BDSM replaced my interest in tantric sex. Until I met A. in 2015, and this memory came back into my awareness, I never thought of tantric sex since that day in 2003. I remember observing then, in 2003, how my desire for tantric sex was replaced by a desire for BDSM due to the dream. I thought that maybe this was the purpose this dream served; to help me discover aspects of my sexuality.

Meeting A. the First Time

S. had planned for us to go to a BDSM club. She had heard me talk about BDSM before, and 50 Shades of Gray was all the rage at the time. She liked the idea of us watching it together in a movie theater, and then going to a BDSM club. It was a double celebration - both a parting away gift for me, and her birthday.

It was only the second time I would enter a BDSM club, with the first time only being a brief visit. Even if I had had an interest in BDSM ever since my teens I hadn't really experimented with it. My life didn't unfold in a way where such experiences and opportunities presented themselves to me.

I had no plans of meeting anyone there that night, let alone hooking up. None whatsoever. Hooking up with guys I had met in clubs wasn't really my jam. I would never engage in anything more than shallow, and casual conversations with guys in this type of scenario. 

By that night, I had however just opened up to the idea of shared souls, and I remember how that whole night I kept thinking how cool it would be to share that experience with the man who shares my soul if there was such a thing. I imagined we would have to be into the same kind of experiences.

S., took a liking to a guy in the club. I encouraged her to strike a conversation with him, which she ended up doing. The guy she liked was accompanied by a friend of his, A.. Finding himself pushed aside by his friend in favor of S., A. started chatting me up. We even danced a little, and made some small talk. He said he liked my dancing skills, probably trying to flirt. I, however, wasn't the right person, because I simply had this thing regarding men in clubs, and dismissed any who hit on me in that context. 

This was actually true for any man I met for the first time. My pattern was to fall in love after a long time of sustained friendship. A. seemed nice, but that was it.

I think all four of us, me, S., A. and his friend M., ended up going outside for a smoke. I remember A. saying something, and I remember thinking he was funny. All four of us engaged in casual conversation, feeling rather amused. I don't recall how this ended up being suggested, or who suggested it, but at one point they invited us to go to home with them. I had personally never done something like that before - to go home with strange men. That night however, I was impartial. Being fresh after my spiritual experience, I was feeling high as a kite on Love. I felt untouchable, and according to my theory no harm could come to me in that heightened state.

Because I knew S. liked M., I told her it was up to her, and that if she wanted us to go with them, I was there. She said she didn't know, pointing out that we had just met them. High as a kite on Love me simply said I was ready to kick their assess, if they tried anything funky. This amused A. and he asked for a high five, which I too found an amusing thing to engage in. As this was happening, their Uber had already arrived, and we had to make a snap decision. We ended up getting in the Uber with them.

In the Uber we made some small talk. I learnt what A. and M. did for a living. Someone said something about Marcus Aurelius, to which S. made a statement about him saying he was an orator. I smiled, and told S. he wasn't known for being an orator. A. also interjected.

We reached A.'s home. He led us to what struck me as a lounge room of sorts, with three white or beige sofas and a coffee table in the middle. The room was lit by several candles on the coffee table. I think M. had rushed and lit the candles before we entered the room, but I'm not quite sure of the sequence of events.

We sat in pairs on two of the sofas. S. and M. on the sofa next to the door, and me and A. on the sofa facing them. I wasn't necessarily wanting to sit next to A., but since S. took a liking to M. it felt the most obvious arrangement.

A. asked us if we wanted something to drink. I don't remember who suggested it, but A. ended up opening a bottle of wine. The wine was fine, but I don't really drink, so I also asked for water. I remember A. opening the bottles in front of us, a gesture I appreciated. I remember I thought the gesture made him look beautiful. I recognised myself in that kind of gesture, and for a moment I saw myself reflected in him.

Right at the start of the night, S. told A. and M. to leave the room for a little while. I think A. thought she was joking, but she really wasn't, lol. She needed to talk to me in private, so she told them to get out of the room for a little while. A. was visibly annoyed, but possibly gestured to M., and they both left the room.

S. needed to tell me about her plans. She wanted to pretend that night. She wanted to forget the context of her life. Nothing big, but she simply felt like she wanted a break from her reality. She wanted to assume a different persona. She needed to tell me this, as she needed my support. It seemed completely harmless. It wasn't what I wanted for myself, but if it was what she wanted for herself... Looking back, her specifically saying she wanted a break from her reality is quite ironic in the context of what unfolded.

A. and M. returned. We made some small talk, and we lit, and split a joint. We had some wine, and everything seemed nice.

I don't remember at what point bits of memories from the dream I had at 17 started popping into my awareness. I remember that it began with a feeling of darkness I couldn't quite understand. This darkness slowly turned into fragmented memories. Initially all I remembered was S. accusing M. of sexual assault. When S. and M. started kissing, and making out, I started staring at them, watching their every move.

A. kept trying to engage me in conversation, but I wasn't that interested at first. I was literally ignoring him trying to make sure nothing weird was happening between S. and M.. I realised A. would probably think I was weird, but I didn't really care. My priority was to make sure no S.A. was going to happen.

A. seemed to think I was avoiding him, as I wasn't even looking in his direction. It was this when he possibly asked me if I was shy. I don't think I answered. This prompted him to try harder, and maybe asked me why I wasn't even looking in his direction. I then said 'Because it's dangerous' with a mischievous smile. You would think I had remembered the part of my dream that included him. That wasn't the case. There was this constant sense of darkness I was feeling, but in that moment I was just being a little playful. I was at the same time avoiding to say why I wasn't looking at him. I didn't feel I could explain why I was staring at S. and M., without seeming even weirder.

I think he tried to engage me in a conversation. I am not entirely sure how we ended up on this subject, but I believe one of the first subjects we connected about was around our views on stereotypes. I only vaguely recall the interaction, but that was the moment A. became interesting to me.

As me and A. were talking, my eyes still kept going back to S. and M.. My head was facing him, but my eyes were turned to them. This prompted A. to ask me if I had a fetish for voyeurism. I became aware that despite my best efforts, I was being quite obvious. Even so, I still did my best to not lose track of what was happening with S. and M..

At one point A. asked me something, or maybe even noticed something and labelled it as coincidence. In reply to that, I said 'There is no such thing as a coincidence', which prompted him to ask me if I really believed that. The irony is that I was only saying that as a consequence of my recently acquired worldview and understanding of the nature of reality, with no awareness for what was about to follow. I hadn't yet remembered the parts of my dream where I would go back, and forth between A. sharing my soul, or being the Devil.

We were making conversation. I remember S. started telling A. about me. It left me with the impression that she was trying to make us connect, or maybe just being a proud friend. She told him how I studied Architecture back home, and then fashion at CSM. He went 'Really?'. I owned the Architecture part, but felt to add that I didn't graduate. I also felt to correct the CSM part, as it wasn't where I graduated. The CSM came as a result of S.'s desire to take a break from her reality. I wasn't aware her break was going to include a break from my reality, and I found it amusing. I quietly corrected S. and let A. know the truth.

At one point, A. asked me to tell him more about myself. I never knew how to answer those questions. I think I only ended up telling him I was into metaphysics, something which had A. tell me he hadn't heard that from someone in a long time. I also remember how at one point I told A. I should have been a philosopher, to which A. replied that I already am one.

S. asked A. where was he from. This prompted me to think his obvious British accent was from a different part of the UK. I don't know if he answered the question straight away, or if he asked for clarifications, but I remember him visibly upset as he said 'India'. Seeing him upset had me place my hand on his arm, in an attempt to comfort him. He was triggered by my gesture, and accused me of trying to stop him from being violent. He wasn't having it no matter how many times I said that wasn't what I was doing. Between his anger, and my now feeling embarrassed, I didn't know how to answer when he asked me why I did that. My feeling of embarrassment around straight-up answering his question was a consequence of the environment I grew up in. An environment where I felt social awareness wasn't the norm. He cooled down at one point, and chose to let it go. I am however unsure if he ever believed me.

Whenever S. would take a break from her make out sessions with M., I would her if she was ok. She constantly reassured me she was fine. Because I kept asking her, she eventually got annoyed with me. Even so, whenever S. and M. would start making out, I would resume my vigilance. I tried to do so with more consideration for A.'s perception, for no other reason than that I wouldn't have known how to explain myself.

I don't remember when A. and I started making out, but I do remember feeling like my experience of it all was hazy. I felt as if I had unusual lack of self-control around him. My feelings felt overpowering. This prompted me to ask him in a playful tone 'What are you? Temptation?'.

I suspected that the intensity of my feelings around him were a consequence of the fact that I was literally re-living a dream. While we smoked weed that night, I was at the time a daily smoker, so I became rather tolerant. I felt weed alone couldn't have intensified that sense of lack of control. It seemed plausible that it could be the weed in combination with my dream, but I felt the need to make sure. Given my awareness of the dangers of the circumstance - two men I had just met - I felt the need to consider the more threatening possibilities. I didn't want to offend him, so I started by apologising for what I was about to ask 'Did he give me any drugs without my knowledge?'. We had a brief interaction I don't quite recall. In essence he told me that no, and proceeded to tell me that aside from the weed, he also had some mdma earlier in the night.

A. kept trying to be intimate, only to end up in my refusal. I desired him, as much as he seemed to desire me, but I did not want to lose track of what was happening with S. and M.. By then I had remembered the gist of my dream, including the back and forth, but I was unsure how to proceed with him. Even if I remembered the gist of my dream, I was still skeptical. I hadn't gotten used to the reality that I was capable of precognition. I was being cautious, as while I remembered the gist of the dream, specific details emerged as the night unfolded, and I was weary about what I didn't yet remember from my dream.

Things became rather impassioned between us. Enough for S. and M. to repeatedly tell us to go get a room. It was around this time, that I remembered the detail about how I ended up alone with A. in my dream. I remembered how in my dream I thought of my friend, and inspired by her, I, more or less jokingly told the two people facing us, to go get a room themselves, which was encouraged by A. in my dream. So, in 2015 when this part of my dream started unfolding, I consciously chose not to act it. I also feel to mention that in 2015 it was the first time I thought of that friend in years. We had lost touch around 2009 I think.

I started to relax my vigilance a little when S. and M. started being intimate. I hadn't seen anything that would alert me, and felt I was in the clear. I still overlooked the situation, but not as intently.

I then started paying more attention to A.. A. was really sweet that night, and it all started being really tender and caring between us. I remember I asking A. if this is how he treats all women when he meets them, and A. reassured me I wasn't just another woman to him. That night A. also remarked we were very much alike, and although I don't remember when exactly, I do remember that at one point I distinctly felt I could recognise my soul in him. 

I remember weighing whether or not to be intimate with him. One of the reasons I refused to be intimate with A. in my dream was due to my choice of underwear. I don't know what kind of underwear I was wearing in my dream, but I assume I had made the same choice as I did in 2015. I had no plans on being intimate with anyone, so I didn't really consider the aesthetics of my underwear. Due to the memory of having refused to be intimate with him due to my choice of underwear, I consciously chose to not allow the fear to be a factor in my decision. Looking back, this choice feels a little on the cuckoo side. However, given the existential nature of my experience, I would likely choose yet again to not factor my embarrassment.

I ended up factoring the back and forth from my dream. I was curious. What would change? I had nothing to compare against, but I was curious nonetheless. I also remember feeling lustful, realising that I wasn't giving in solely on account that he could be the Devil. This put my choice into perspective. I was refusing to be intimate with him because I worried he could be the Devil. How ridiculous. I ended up being the one instigating physical intimacy at that point.

I remember A. asking me to look him in the eyes. The eye contact felt too intense for me, and I was unable to sustain it. I do however recall how in trying to make eye contact, I said to myself 'I am now lost'.

The night unfolded with many tender moments between me and A.. I remember we were kissing at one point, while S. and M. kept making all sorts of remarks about us. This had A. tell me to ignore them, because they were jealous we fell in love. A. saying this surprised me, as I wasn't expecting it so soon. Seeing my surprised reaction caused A. to pout, but I reassured him that I also fell in love. 

I felt sleepy at one point. Since the sofa wasn't big enough, and comfortable for both of us, A. insisted I sleep on top of him. I didn't want to do this. I was feeling I was too heavy. He insisted, and despite my worries and insecurities, I relented. I fell into a light sleep almost instantly, and nearly as soon as it happened, I also started shivering. This had A. to ask M. to bring him a blanket. I remember with how much care A. tried to place the blanket on me, so I would stop shivering. Despite his effort, I woke up. I had some vague idea about what had happened, but I was surprised to hear I not only fell asleep straight away, but that I began shivering. I don't think my shivering was due to being cold. I think it was a reaction my body had to the amount of fear that circumstance triggered within me.

I remember wanting to go to the bathroom, but since I didn't know where the bathroom was A. accompanied me. When I got out of the bathroom, A. was waiting for me, and he pulled me into what I assume was his bedroom, which was right across from the bathroom. We started making out, and despite the fact that I really desired him, I kept trying to resist. It felt difficult to resist him, but I felt too overwhelmed not to. This caused us to have a brief exchange, during which A. asked me if it was because I was worried about S., and told me M. wasn't the type. That question triggered me, as I didn't know what to answer, since I felt my answer will sound insane. I lowered my gaze, and tried to rush out of the room. This prompted A. to jump in front of me, and try to stop me by placing his hand on the door frame, right in front of me. As I crouched, and left the room walking underneath A.'s hand, he asked me 'Why do you keep running from me?'. The reality of it is that while I felt it was best if I stayed in that lounge room with S. and M. that night, between my dream which I had experienced as a nightmare, and the insanity I felt my story to be, I had no idea how to share all of that, or how to act around him.

After the bathroom incident, I remember sitting in A.'s lap facing him. I remember him telling me to lean out, but I kept saying no, as I didn't want him to drop me. He kept saying he won't drop me, and that I should trust him. I eventually conceded. It felt like an exercise of trust to me. To be quite honest earlier that night, before I even considered A. could have the same soul as mine, I felt he was exactly the kind of man I imagined I could trust with my life. Such a feeling was unusual for me. Generally speaking I would say I am a rather cautious person. I had never had a feeling that would go to that extreme about anyone else before. 

I wasn't reading too much into these feelings. They were to me nothing, nothing but feelings that could have been generated by all sorts of misperceptions, or the result of wishful thinking. So when he told me to lean out, and I eventually did, I still found myself worrying he would end up dropping me. He didn't. I remember this putting a really big smile on my face.

The night turned to morning. S. started admiring his garden which was visible from the room's window. She kept suggesting we have a barbecue. I think A. was offended by that, and he made a remark I don't quite recall. I kindly called him out on his passive aggression. A. moved to the sofa by the window, and I asked him if he has control issues. I feel I did so in a kind and compassionate manner, as it triggered a sweet smile from him, while calmly saying something about how all of his issues seemed to surface. This prompted me to tell him he was cute, which seemed to make him feel some sort of nostalgia maybe. I didn't really understand his reaction, so I asked him if he didn't like being told he's cute. He only said that no one called him cute before, maybe only his mother.

A. was now back with me on the sofa. He was laying, and I was standing next to him. At first I kept slipping off, but then I exaggerated the expression and repetition of my behavior. This had him tell me to stop exaggerating it, so I stopped, and felt a little embarrassed he noticed that. 

We started playing with each other's hand, when A. asked me to be in a relationship with him. I don't exactly remember the sequence, but I remember telling him 'it was too much, too soon'. While I was completely taken away by him, I felt I had a lot to process around his persona and the label felt like imposing a premature structure onto a reality that hadn't had time to settle. I didn't want him reading into it, so I proceeded to ask him something along the lines of what does that even mean to him. In reply to my question of what does that even mean to him, he started listing a series of mundane relationship centered interactions; going shopping, making love, going on walks, making love.

A. brought us something to eat. Yogurt and raspberries I believe. As we were eating, he said he needed to get ready to visit his niece/nieces - can't quite remember if he used plural. S. was still fixed on the barbecue. A. seemed annoyed by her for a while now, and I felt he put up with her because it meant I was there.

After we were done eating, I told S. we should leave, and I don't think she resisted my idea. Before leaving, A. asked me when he could see me again. I said I didn't know, since I had to get my stuff in order, as I was supposed to leave for my home country in two weeks. He said we had to see each other again before I left, and gave me his business card.

He called a taxi. I asked A. if he could lend me a t-shirt, as I felt my dress was inappropriate for a Sunday morning. He brought me a t-shirt, and me and S. went outside to wait for the taxi.

As we were waiting outside, all of a sudden, S. started lashing out at me. She started calling me a slag, telling me she didn't know anything about me. We had been friends for 4 years at that point, and had spent a lot of time together. She was very erratic, and kept picking on me. I think she pulled my I.D. out of her purse looking intently at it. All my belongings, and the little money I had left were in her purse, as I hadn't brought a purse with me that night. Even if I had recovered my belongings, I still didn't have enough left for the fare without her contribution. Given her condition, I felt it was unlikely I would manage to take my belongings from her anyway, and that it was even less likely she would contribute to the fare.

It seemed like my only option was to go back, and ask A. for money for the fare. I was embarrassed to do so, but I didn't see any other option in that moment. When the taxi arrived, I asked how much the fare would be. The driver said $40. I went back, and it was M. who answered my knock on the door. A. came out of the bathroom, and was now in the hallway as well. I don't recall how, or what I said exactly, but I remember telling him I needed to ask him for money for the taxi fare. He was shocked when he heard $40, saying it was too much, and couldn't believe that. After a small back and forth where I tried to reassure him, I took the $30 he offered thinking I was going to work it out.

In the car, on our way home, S. kept saying I was shady, and was generally awful to me. The taxi had stopped in traffic, and she jumped out of the car. She was still wearing her short, transparent and revealing dress running and loudly saying things I don't think I even registered. I reached my hand towards the taxi driver, and gave him the $30 I had, then rushed after her. I think the taxi driver was displeased with the $30, but it all happened so fast, with my mind being focused on her, that I didn't even consider an alternative. I don't think there was any in that circumstance.

The scene must have been quite the sight for passersby. I was more clothed, but I still looked odd, while she was running, gesturing, and loudly saying all sorts of mean and ugly things I can't remember, with me running after her.

***

Without going into more detail S. did end up accusing M. of S.A., as she also filled a police report. She believed to have been drugged as she claimed to have no memory. While the night seemed to have unfolded without any significant events, her ending up making that accusation despite my best efforts to pay attention to anything that could be amiss, became a source of trauma for me.

For years on end I found myself fearing her accusation could have a basis in reality, thinking that maybe there were parts I wasn't able to remember. It is only recently that I managed to process this, and say that while I can never speak to her inner experience that night, I can speak to what I observed. That is that my memory of the night was always on the stable side, with a few missing details. While missing details did happen, this entire decade I was always able to remember a coherent timeline that spanned the entire night. At no point during that night was I, or S. incapacitated.

To this day she has no awareness or knowledge of the existence of the dream I had in 2003. She couldn't have been influenced by it, neither consciously, nor unconsciously.

Precognitive Dream of the 2nd Time We Met - ~12 y.o.- ~1998

The actual first dream I had featuring A. pertains to the chronological second time we met. I had it when I was about 12 years old, around 1998. I know this because I remember the bed I was sleeping in. The timing is however a rough estimate. I do however believe that it was roughly after I had suffered my first heartbreak. I was starting to heal, and dream of love again.

What I do know for certain is that this time in my life was plagued by dreams with that entity, to a point where I became scared to go to sleep at night. 

For clarity, the dream covered just a narrow portion of our 2015 reality. Even if only a snippet, the details are distinctive enough to leave little room for doubt as to its precognitive nature.

***

One night, I dreamt I was in a dimly lit room, looking at a dark-haired man, with black eyes and full lips who sat across from me on a red velvet chaise-longue. I think I was a little afraid at first, as I was aware I was in a dream, but I soon relaxed as I seemed to be in a very normal looking room. The setting while not unusual, struck me a little futuristic. It may have been the chaise-longues. I had only seen them in movies and it all looked very posh to me. I also remember mapping the man's face. It was very distinctive. 

After scanning my environment a little I thought there was nothing that was signaling threat to me. I felt relieved it wasn't another nightmare. I remember I was enjoying his company, and noted he seemed like a very interesting man. It felt as if we were on a date of sorts, and I remember thinking he was different than the boys I usually liked. I think I once again had a tiny glimpse it was set in the future, but I couldn't picture it. Where would I meet a man like that, who lived in a house like that? It seemed completely divorced from my reality. I remember he was saying something, and I was enjoying his presence.

After a while, it slowly started dawning on me that I was in yet another dimly lit environment, in the presence of a man with black eyes, and full lips. I started to panic a little inside. It seemed just too mellow, and nothing out of the ordinary, so I wasn't really understanding the existence of such a dream. Nothing special was happening in it. I began worrying this was yet another nightmare, and the man that sat across from me was that entity trying to create a false sense of safety, to lure me into God knows what twisted scenario. 

I became increasingly terrified of the possibility this dream was potentially the climax to all the taunting I experienced in previous nightmares. I consciously woke up from it. 

My mind read it as the most fearful nightmare I had up until that point.

After I allowed myself to relax into the safety of my bed, I started questioning the fear I felt. My dream was indeed set in yet another dimly lit environment, but it was merely a room. It was futuristic to my perception, but not disconnected from the world I knew, and the man did nothing wrong; then again I thought I didn't allow the dream to go far enough.

For a little while, I thought that maybe, if I was to go back to sleep, the dream will resume. I'd had such experiences with dreams before; I would wake up, only for the dream to continue where it left off once I drifted back to sleep. I thought that if the dream was to continue where it left off, I could maybe investigate a little, but the possibility of that man being the devil was too terrifying. That night, I needed to at least pretend it wasn't a nightmare. I left it at surreal. My mind made a connection to surrealism in art, and I fell back asleep.

The dream stayed with me, and its memory would come back occasionally.

I remembered it, when I realised it was because of it, that I fell in love with chaise-longues, which had me place one even in bathrooms whenever I would decorate my houses in The Sims game. 

I remembered it, when I mentioned it to a psychic in a chat room, or when I was recounting it to friends. 

The last time I mentioned it was in 2013, when I referred to A./the man in my dream, as the Devil. I remember saying 'The Devil was sitting on a red velvet chaise-longue, right across from me.'. Right after I said this to my friend, I remember I felt guilty, as if I was unfair; I, then proceeded to feel silly for worrying about a label I placed on a man from a dream I didn't know how else to classify but as a nightmare.

Meeting A. the 2nd time

I recovered much of my memory of that night, but it remains hazy and maybe broken in places. This was the part of our interactions that affected me the most, resulting in near complete loss of memory. Unlike all other parts of my experience, I only started writing about this night about two months ago now. It was much more fragmented and incomplete than this, but as I became able to let myself feel through more of my feelings the memory of the night became less fragmented. This is the form it has now.

I do have a rough timeline, but parts of it still feel raw and vague. That entire night I would get lost in my thoughts - either trying to find words for what I needed to say, or sometimes even wondering if I was in immediate danger. It wasn't him I feared. Not at all actually.

While I didn't feel fear of him - the person I had met, I am not sure I can adequately express how it feels to find yourself literally re-living a nightmare. It felt like two layers of reality were running at the same time, and then collapsing into one. I was at the same time facing the reality in my dream, the man I believed to carry my essence, the Devil archetype, or maybe both. I was living through all these realities at once, and the night was a struggle for me.

By that second night I had already decided before seeing him that I needed to talk to him about it all. I saw no way around it. I believed that by engaging in an act of authentic self-expression for my state and experience around him, it would allow the deeper truth of our connection to reveal itself. I also believed it would serve as protection if it was a worst case scenario type of circumstance. 

While I was aware of the irrationality of him being the literal embodiment of the Devil, I was aware that he could be or become the vehicle through which the Devil archetype could manifest into my life. I believed this could potentially be the case regardless of his quality as a human being, and the quality of his character. 

It was something I sincerely felt I needed to engage in, given the nature of my experience with him until that point. I wasn't wanting to offend him, and in a different context I wouldn't have brought it up on our second date. This however wasn't just a second date for me. 

I took everything into consideration, including the fact that it would surely be a sensitive subject. I was aware of the social context and the possibility that his life experience may have been marked by prejudice around his Muslimness. While I was aware of this possibility, I also only had a very vague idea surrounding the cultural context of Muslimness in British society. At the time, I didn't see how I could avoid the subject given the circumstances. I also did my due diligence in trying to make sure my need didn't stem from a space of unconscious prejudice. I went over it again and again, and I concluded that I would have felt the same need to touch on the subject of my spiritual experience had he been Christian, Mormon, or Buddhist in that context. Because I was fresh after my spiritual experience, and I had yet to articulate it like I can today, short of laying out the patterns in the structure of my experience, I did not know how else to communicate what I needed from him to feel safe, or why I believed we may share the same essence. I also believed that given the context was I to suppress what felt like a need to talk to him about it, would have been prejudiced in essence.

***

I remember stepping into his living room. I recall passing by a table that was pushed against the wall. On it there were all sorts of crystals on display. They were in their raw form. I couldn't help but notice them. I had only seen such crystals in that raw form in my parents living room.

As we were both passing by that table he turned on a lamp. It was either a table lamp, or maybe a floor lamp next to the table.

There were two chaise longues in the middle of the living room. A brown leather one, and a red velvet one. I think he told me to choose whichever I liked. I chose the brown leather one only because velvet used to be unpleasant for me to the touch.

I think he wanted to join me on the brown leather one, but I nudged him to sit on the other one, unaware of the connection to my dream. That dream was nowhere near my awareness. He sat on the red velvet one, but I still wasn't triggered to remember the dream.

That night I told him early on that I was scared, and that I was trying to block the connection. I was only wanting to pace myself, because it was all very overwhelming for me. It all felt surreal right from the start. 

He then got up to turn on another lamp behind me. Him getting so close to me made me feel overwhelmed. I wasn't thinking that he was the Devil. Quite the opposite - I was thinking same soul as he was passing by. The fear pushed back, as I was somehow afraid it wasn't real. It all felt incredibly overwhelming. As he was turning on the lamp behind me, he looked at me and bit his lip. His gesture made things more intense for me, and I think that was the moment I started spewing light, truth, and maybe even God. The point of no return.

It was only after the light behind me was lit, and he sat down that the memory of the dream kicked in. All of a sudden, I realised I was in the same dimly lit room from my dream, looking at that same man who was sitting on a red velvet chaise longue, right across from me.

For a moment, I felt terrified. What was an already overwhelming experience intensified exponentially the moment I remembered my dream.

I remember I started to constantly lose myself in thoughts, which he noticed. I was trying to decipher if there was more to the dream. I was trying to assess if I was in immediate danger. I was now not only re-living a nightmare, but re-living yet another nightmare who had A. as a central figure. And even more than this, this time around I was re-living a nightmare that had me grow up attaching the Devil label to A. specifically. In this moment every trace of reason left me, and I was starting to fear the possibility that the man in front of me was the literal embodiment of the Devil out to get me.  

My spiritual experience came with the awareness that the Devil as an antithesis to God does not exist, but the fear was so overwhelming that I couldn't help, but seriously take the possibility that I was wrong about the existence of the Devil as the villain, into consideration. I looked for ways to regain some composure, as I thought that even if such a scenario could be real, it wouldn't be a good idea to let him know I was onto him anyway.

After my initial shock dispersed, and I reconnected with details surrounding the dream I regained some ease of mind. I became more able to see the irrationality of such a fear more clearly. That was so, because I was able to trace my fear back in time. The only reason I even believed the man in my dream was the Devil was because I had the dream during a nightmare heavy period in my life. I was remembering how even back then I believed the man did nothing wrong. I was remembering how in my dream reality I was finding him interesting. I was realising this was now the second dream with him where I jumped for the Devil label solely because I was aware I was dreaming, and I was in a dimly lit environment. The fear of him literally being the Devil dispersed almost completely, although not entirely, and reappeared briefly on two more occasions throughout the night. While the fear of him being the literal embodiment of the Devil dispersed, I was still re-living a dream I had experienced as a nightmare when I was merely 12 years old. 

Having this train of thoughts enabled me to see where my true fear laid. In my dream I feared he was nice, and playing along, just so he could get me. I feared this because to me, he seemed too good to be true. I felt that in both dreams. 

To me it all seemed too on the nose, and I became aware there could be an inversion between Love and Fear in my psyche. It felt too perfectly aligned to the symbolism that right after my spiritual experience, a symbol of God, I would meet a man as the symbol of Devil. At the time, my spiritual experience felt like an education into the natures of Love and Fear as two sides of the same coin, to then meet a man who triggered what seemed to be a core fear, anchored in what I believed must have been a core wound. It seemed more logical to me that if I was to project outwardly what I knew to be my fear, I would probably engage in what would have to be an inversion of truth and reality implicitly. 

This in conjunction with the amount of similarities I could see between us actually intensified my belief that it's likely that we share an essence. The way he seemed to connect or respond to certain words metaphysics/philosophy, synergy, unfair, and freedom. The way he corrected my grammar the first night - to me suggested he may have a similar relationship with language. His close ones described him as 'chill', 'living on a cloud' - whereas people in my life described me as 'so calm I would surely reach 100 yrs old', and 'living on a cloud'. We seemed to engage the same way with the world around us, and our core values, and interests seemed to be aligned. I hope this is enough to give you a picture as to why I would reach for such an idea.

I, however, didn't discount the possibility that he could be the vehicle through which that archetype could manifest into my life. I didn't discount the possibility he could be both either. I allowed room for everything. I was ready to investigate, but for the most part, from that moment on, I found myself trying to assess sameness.

I tried to pull myself together. I think I started by trying to provide some context for my spiritual experience wanting to show him the logic, and the experiential patterns that led to my spiritual emergence. I remember telling him about the nightmares I used to have as a kid. In response to my stories he said how darkness was drawn to light. He was however getting more impatient by the minute, as he didn't understand what I was trying to say. I told him how I could see patterns in my experience, but I don't recall much around that moment. I only recall talking about patterns.

My fear felt overpowering at times. There was a moment when it was overpowering enough for me to imagine how his house hadn't even been there before he met me, and how he had made it to magically appear there, all so he could lure me in with a false sense of safety. I remember trying to keep my composure, and at least look like I wasn't completely bonkers.

I would constantly fall back into my mind looking for memories, more information, and thinking of how to express what I needed to express. He seemed to grow more and more impatient, and started accusing me of not being present, saying we were in two different films. 

I think I eventually ended blurting out my spiritual experience. I remember chopping chunks of it, as I felt him becoming more and more suspicious, and impatient with me. I started feeling self-conscious about it all, and felt he was filtering me through a 'religious' label. 

I am not entirely sure when but there was this joke he started making saying 'taxi'. Looking back, I am not entirely sure what he meant by it, but then it felt like a different word for 'crazy'. Maybe it was the context, as I was aware of how insane my story sounded, and I expressed that awareness. At one point, I even asked him if he wanted me to go home. I thought that maybe he was too polite to say it, and I wanted to give him a way out. In reply to it, he told me 'Don't be insecure'. I wasn't insecure in the slightest. I stayed, because I wanted to investigate.

I don't remember the exact moment I realised he may be implying the fear I verbally expressed experiencing was about him being Muslim, but I recall repeatedly saying it wasn't the case. At one point, I also point blank tried to address the issue, because we seemed to end up in the same place. That seemed to bring some comfort in the moment, but after a while we were there again. He never used the word prejudice, only implied it, so I was confused if he really believed that or what was it that he believed.

He asked me to stop talking about my dreams and my spiritual experience. I didn't really want to stop talking about it, because I thought it was the easiest way for him to see what I was seeing. While I had awareness, I had limited knowledge of Jungian psychology at the time, and consciousness as a concept. To me, my experience was context for the bigger picture I was trying to share with him when I didn't know how else to express it all. I tried to work around it, and I ended up asking all sorts of questions trying to assess sameness, or just to get more information. He had already accused me of not being present, and some of the questions were completely random, as I was trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings looking for ways to express myself.

I was sometimes asking questions trying to stall in preventing him from growing more impatient, until I figured out a way to articulate what I needed to in a manner he could understand me. There was this moment, when I asked a question. I don't remember what the question was. It was random, as I was hoping for a break, so I could think. He asked me something in return while I was lost in thought. I answered 'yes', without registering his question. I don't recall the exact sequence, but I remember the moment I realised I had basically agreed to a statement that implied I was being prejudiced. In the shock and panic of the realisation of the question I had just answered 'yes' to, my eyes got big and I started repeatedly saying 'NO. NO. NO.'

I remember how one of my questions was aimed at figuring out whether or not he could be the literal Devil. I didn't necessarily believe it, but I felt I owed it to myself to at least try looking into it. I remember trying to find the right words, and I said something that basically said absolutely nothing. I was circling the word control, but didn't want to say it, just in case he was the literal Devil. In reply to it, he asked me if I wanted to know if he had a prayer rug. I said it wasn't what I was looking for, but if it was what he wanted to share with me... I felt any information about him was valuable, so I didn't mind.

I remember him getting so upset at one point that he started calling me slow and dense, and asked me if I was autistic. The more impatient he was getting with me, the more distressed I was getting. 

I remember constantly trying to get a hold of my fear, and the general overwhelm I was feeling around my entire experience with him. I also remember working up the courage to try to tell him I believed we share the same soul. I started by telling him that after my spiritual experience I started opening up to the idea that there was such a thing as two people having the same soul. He never let me finish what I wanted to say. He got upset that I brought up two other men. I was trying to show him a contrast, because I really didn't know how to tell him I believed me and him had the same soul. I had circled the question of whether some of the men in my life fit those shoes, but was never able to put my finger on it, and yet I had no trouble recognising him as having the same soul I did.

His cousin came home joining us in the living room. This took me by surprise and in that context amplified fears within me, as I was now in the presence of two men I didn't really know. By this point, A. was really upset, and he started making a dig at my weight as his cousin started preparing something to eat. 

He seemed offended I wasn't including his cousin in the conversation. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful to anyone, but not only did his cousin's presence take me by surprise, but I was incredibly overwhelmed with everything. I felt him getting more and more hostile, which was only increasing my distress, making it even more difficult for me.  

I think in trying to provide an explanation for what he seemed to have perceived as disrespect, I ended up telling him that I wasn't interested in his cousin, but in him, which I think came across a little weird in that context. I think this moment had him angrily say something to the effect that I was mad to believe he wanted a relationship with me after this night. By this point it became increasingly difficult for me to maintain the connection with my own consciousness, and I was mostly out of it when he said that. Even so, as out of it as I was, I started laughing hysterically. Looking back, this must have been quite a scene that I would love to see from outside. Peak madness. 

I don't remember the exact sequence, but I remember how at one point he told me I should also inquire about his cousin. He proceeded to state his cousin's job. He expected me to act surprised. It took me a while to even realise that he was trying to show me how western coded a Muslim man's line of work could be, so I just sat there and listened. The moment I understood why he was making me aware of his cousin's job, I understood he was set on the 'prejudiced against Muslim people' label, and there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind.

I believe at this point I simply became unable to cope with it all. I was going in and out of consciousness, struggling to hold on. I think it was at this moment he started to make remarks aligned with stereotypes surrounding my culture. I don't recall exactly what he said, or how, but I remember seeing a similarity in cognitive style when it comes to observing ironies and blind spots in the mindsets of people engaging with stereotypical and prejudicial views, as he believed I was doing. I remember thinking, 'i, too always notice the ironies. that's exactly the way my mind works.' I wasn't even upset with him, and I was smiling all the way through it which may have upset him even more.

It must have been after this moment that he started a tirade against me. I don't remember any of the words, only that he was very angry. That destabilised me completely, and I felt I was headed towards collapse. I stopped being able to even hold my head upwards, and my body was getting mushy. It felt as if I had no reflexes. This was the moment his cousin intervened bringing my state to his attention.

In an attempt to at least get me out of that state, he calmed himself down, and came close to me. I don't remember what he said, but he tried to find a way to soothe me somehow. It worked, but only mildly. It was however enough to gather myself.

I remember how in my attempt to look normal, the first thing I did after gathering myself was to touch the wooden table in front of me. I then asked him if it was made of real wood. 'Is this real wood?'. Those were my exact words. This still has me laughing, because it was such a dumb moment. It also has me crying for the same reason.

The rest of the night, I resorted to just trying to make casual conversation. As casual as conversation could be after all of this. I believe I ended up looking mighty dumb to him. 

I will stop here, as I believe it is enough of a representation of how that night unfolded.

Disclaimer: This website reflects my personal memories, perceptions, and interpretations of past events. All names and identifying details have been changed. Its purpose is healing, coherence, and self-expression - not accusation or defamation.